I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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