I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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