Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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