So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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