i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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