i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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