Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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