i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
