I showed him my bush... on skype.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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