Texts From Last Night · Inkblots's Favorites

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(254): View more from Texas

Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Like Napoleon Dynamite?

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

But with bacon.

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(819): View more from Quebec

idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars

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(910): View more from North Carolina

But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.

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(361): View more from Texas

Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...

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(516): View more from New York

rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.

(305): View more from Florida

aye aye capn

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(520): View more from Arizona

We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.

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(905): View more from Ontario

It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage

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(630): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese

(630): View more from Illinois

MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE

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(314): View more from Missouri

Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on

(314): View more from Missouri

Gloves*

(660): View more from Missouri

Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??

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(630): View more from Illinois

My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair

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(515): View more from Iowa

I came so hard my ears popped.

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(330): View more from Ohio

is 250 jello shots considered an open container?

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(334): View more from Alabama

Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?

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(360): View more from Washington

My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size

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(917): View more from New York City

Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I got copblocked.

(720): View more from Colorado

What?

(303): View more from Colorado

Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Be there in 20. Want icecream?

(1-613): View more from Ontario

sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You is good. You is important. You is a slut.

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(315): View more from New York

So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

Thanks, mom, will do

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.

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(760): View more from California

I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.

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(314): View more from Missouri

When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.

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(813): View more from Florida

You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.

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(818): View more from California

the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes

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(303): View more from Colorado

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE

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(856): View more from New Jersey

it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself

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(716): View more from New York

If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.

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(512): View more from Texas

It's not a walk of shame if you run

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.

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(315): View more from New York

I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.

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(310): View more from California

My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"

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(410): View more from Maryland

Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

Um, OK. WTF?

(410): View more from Maryland

The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

So how was the sex with me last night?

(703): View more from Virginia

No worse than usual.

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(303): View more from Colorado

New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Holy sore nipples Batman

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(509): View more from Washington

Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist

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(319): View more from Iowa

My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.

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(317): View more from Indiana

When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel

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(330): View more from Ohio

If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.

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(847): View more from Illinois

lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.

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(702): View more from Nevada

God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees

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(276): View more from Virginia

LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.

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(905): View more from Ontario

downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."

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(678): View more from Georgia

So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color

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(845): View more from New York

So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear

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(386): View more from Florida

At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.

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(616): View more from Michigan

time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

we need a secret handshake

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(619): View more from California

Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!

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(817): View more from Texas

If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.

(1-817): View more from Texas

It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list

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(315): View more from New York

WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Let me tell you the story of bicurious george

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me

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(614): View more from Ohio

her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"

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(937): View more from Ohio

Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour

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(334): View more from Alabama

What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep

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(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours

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(650): View more from California

Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens

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(516): View more from New York

The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.

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(925): View more from California

crossed #23 off the Slucket List!

(1-925): View more from California

YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.

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(760): View more from California

Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.

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(407): View more from Florida

It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual

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(906): View more from Michigan

I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.

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(714): View more from California

sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!

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(951): View more from California

diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.

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(210): View more from Texas

IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours

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(970): View more from Colorado

Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis

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(573): View more from Missouri

I had him autograph the condom wrapper.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.

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(616): View more from Michigan

i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.

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(619): View more from California

He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.

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(949): View more from California

Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(214): View more from Texas

I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(330): View more from Ohio

and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(562): View more from California

cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help

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(807): View more from Ontario

Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside

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(402): View more from Nebraska

next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

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(631): View more from New York

Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(678): View more from Georgia

his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

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(619): View more from California

he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

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(816): View more from Missouri

She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.

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(360): View more from Washington

Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.

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(434): View more from Virginia

i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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(718): View more from New York

Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.

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(801): View more from Utah

we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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(207): View more from Maine

Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.

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(206): View more from Washington

He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(305): View more from Florida

If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(562): View more from California

I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(863): View more from Florida

We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

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(281): View more from Texas

he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."

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(510): View more from California

I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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(812): View more from Indiana

If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.

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(845): View more from New York

its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth

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(703): View more from Virginia

She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping

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(513): View more from Ohio

You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks

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(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity

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(925): View more from California

I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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(310): View more from California

I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

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(360): View more from Washington

My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.

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(309): View more from Illinois

i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(705): View more from Ontario

Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

fair is fair

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(845): View more from New York

I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

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