Texts From Last Night · PaperDrops's Favorites

PaperDrops's Favorites Texts:

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(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Did everyone make it back alive?

(309): View more from Illinois

You say that with such hope.

(217): View more from Illinois

Is that a no?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(913): View more from Kansas

They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake

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(360): View more from Washington

True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?

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(915): View more from Texas

Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck

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(773): View more from Illinois

once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.

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(409): View more from Texas

Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night

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(740): View more from Ohio

He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby

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(805): View more from California

We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.

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(503): View more from Oregon

some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.

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(903): View more from Texas

She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.

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(435): View more from Utah

He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question

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(434): View more from Virginia

i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level

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(703): View more from Virginia

I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON

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(631): View more from New York

he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality

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(619): View more from California

We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.

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(310): View more from California

Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel

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(707): View more from California

I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"

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(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

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(718): View more from New York

you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.

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(863): View more from Florida

oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.

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(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

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(801): View more from Utah

when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.

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(516): View more from New York

i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.

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(425): View more from Washington

Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.

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(419): View more from Ohio

currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell

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(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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(512): View more from Texas

I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety

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(801): View more from Utah

Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night

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(760): View more from California

You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..

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(760): View more from California

It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.

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(760): View more from California

coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(760): View more from California

she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.

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(760): View more from California

i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.

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(760): View more from California

It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(760): View more from California

She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.

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(619): View more from California

His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed

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(703): View more from Virginia

they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.

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(434): View more from Virginia

She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times

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(602): View more from Arizona

One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them

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(718): View more from New York

The gym has a pool

(914): View more from New York

my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.

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(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

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(816): View more from Missouri

They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives

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(254): View more from Texas

Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.

(254): View more from Texas

Tornado warnings are fun!

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?

(312): View more from Illinois

I get to be your mom.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.

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(810): View more from Michigan

you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".

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(540): View more from Virginia

You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate

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(903): View more from Texas

I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.

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(406): View more from Montana

As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...

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(925): View more from California

I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it

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(970): View more from Colorado

I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Soup is delicious

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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(217): View more from Illinois

it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall

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(707): View more from California

please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up

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(913): View more from Kansas

did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

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(216): View more from Ohio

You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...

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(407): View more from Florida

I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens

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(618): View more from Illinois

Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'

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(720): View more from Colorado

were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.

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(805): View more from California

Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?

(805): View more from California

and why are they spooning a flamingo?

(714): View more from California

they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We just shotgunned beers for America

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(616): View more from Michigan

Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now

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(561): View more from Florida

She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?

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(252): View more from North Carolina

My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business

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(530): View more from California

I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will

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(504): View more from Louisiana

The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it

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(907): View more from Alaska

I've ID'd the nipple biter.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.

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(714): View more from California

Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww

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(713): View more from Texas

the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering

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(619): View more from California

She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

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(206): View more from Washington

do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.

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(513): View more from Ohio

it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.

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(530): View more from California

You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?

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(925): View more from California

She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?

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(512): View more from Texas

We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"

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(616): View more from Michigan

We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY

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(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week

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(559): View more from California

Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.

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(425): View more from Washington

No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,

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(502): View more from Kentucky

We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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(941): View more from Florida

sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single

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(802): View more from Vermont

Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.

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(406): View more from Montana

i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.

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(925): View more from California

Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard

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(252): View more from North Carolina

We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.

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(818): View more from California

he made a bald eagle out of coke lines

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs

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(206): View more from Washington

And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music

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(419): View more from Ohio

apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night

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(406): View more from Montana

she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back

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(636): View more from Missouri

there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter

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(503): View more from Oregon

He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you

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(501): View more from Arkansas

She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'

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(303): View more from Colorado

there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation

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(319): View more from Iowa

I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.

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(518): View more from New York

You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.

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(619): View more from California

He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"

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(970): View more from Colorado

There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.

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(248): View more from Michigan

sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.

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(409): View more from Texas

The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(205): View more from Alabama

You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose

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(562): View more from California

I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night

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(314): View more from Missouri

I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.

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(517): View more from Michigan

These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener

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(607): View more from New York

There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.

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(217): View more from Illinois

He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.

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