Texts From Last Night · americandre4m's Favorites

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

(404): View more from Georgia

STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

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(647): View more from Ontario

Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward

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(231): View more from Michigan

whats our policy on dating high schoolers?

(1-231): View more from Michigan

we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does

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(214): View more from Texas

Nothing says love like couples STD testing

(972): View more from Texas

Nothing says breakup like the results

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

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(310): View more from California

All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.

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(519): View more from Ontario

People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"

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(801): View more from Utah

I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,

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(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!

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(518): View more from New York

Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"

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(619): View more from California

Topless dodge ball cldnt top that

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(760): View more from California

Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.

(818): View more from California

Because it is cat.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.

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(319): View more from Iowa

WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

(1-319): View more from Iowa

THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

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(561): View more from Florida

You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(231): View more from Michigan

if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just feel like you're using me for sex.

(383): View more from

I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship

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(585): View more from New York

javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.

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(607): View more from New York

Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!

(315): View more from New York

I get naked cuz your not there

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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(702): View more from Nevada

Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

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(214): View more from Texas

I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me

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(740): View more from Ohio

Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.

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(425): View more from Washington

Wanna skype?

(1-425): View more from Washington

Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.

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(213): View more from California

Her brother is deaf.

(214): View more from Texas

no wonder she was so good with her hands

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(517): View more from Michigan

you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.

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(772): View more from Florida

Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(613): View more from Ontario

I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You almost married that.

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(941): View more from Florida

It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.

(1-941): View more from Florida

Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(646): View more from New York

I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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(951): View more from California

so let's talk penis.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.

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(806): View more from Texas

Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.

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(661): View more from California

It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.

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(301): View more from Maryland

my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

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(817): View more from Texas

He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house

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(909): View more from California

if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids

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(209): View more from California

update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.

(1-209): View more from California

the house was on fire??

(209): View more from California

shit I thought I told you.

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(858): View more from California

batman tramp stamp. Dibs.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

He wasn't the only one with a full load.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

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(352): View more from Florida

the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.

(407): View more from Florida

given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was

(352): View more from Florida

i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

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(703): View more from Virginia

You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(979): View more from Texas

I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

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(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(949): View more from California

im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume

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(949): View more from California

Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.

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(435): View more from Utah

Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i should start naming my morning wood

(201): View more from New Jersey

great idea but wrong number

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(914): View more from New York

It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional

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(865): View more from Tennessee

If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I can tuck mytits in my pants

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

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(302): View more from Delaware

she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>

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(917): View more from New York City

I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch

(740): View more from Ohio

enter at your own risk

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(513): View more from Ohio

why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...

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(216): View more from Ohio

let's bang

(773): View more from Illinois

You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.

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(404): View more from Georgia

What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off

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(210): View more from Texas

I molested 6 butterflies tonight

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(510): View more from California

I'm trying to make a sex playlist

(916): View more from California

record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(302): View more from Delaware

I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.

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(801): View more from Utah

I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Whatcha textin bout Willis?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Little spoons don't ask big questions

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You were right. It hurts to walk today.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?

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(212): View more from New York

He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"

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(404): View more from Georgia

she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"

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(347): View more from New York

i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

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(713): View more from Texas

i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?

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(443): View more from Maryland

That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(313): View more from Michigan

tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve

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(847): View more from Illinois

The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was

(734): View more from Michigan

you're 26.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i can juggle bunnies

(1-802): View more from Vermont

cool

(802): View more from Vermont

on fire

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(864): View more from South Carolina

U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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(925): View more from California

He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling

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(440): View more from Ohio

we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.

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(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(650): View more from California

I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(438): View more from Quebec

Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Breakfast tacos?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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(734): View more from Michigan

They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.

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(515): View more from Iowa

we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'

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(206): View more from Washington

I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.

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