Texts From Last Night · andybernard's Favorites

Sorry SaraJean hasn't picked any favorites yet.

andybernard's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(289): View more from Ontario

Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?

(1-289): View more from Ontario

When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.

Fav 2 996 409
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.

Fav 4 1912 812
share tweet

(250): View more from British Columbia

Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors

Fav 1 751 557
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.

(251): View more from Alabama

Isn't that our default mode?

Fav 1 168 147
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself

Fav 0 649 216
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.

Fav 0 920 526
share tweet

(203): View more from Connecticut

Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages

Fav 2 846 536
share tweet

(617): View more from Massachusetts

You just get me

(443): View more from Maryland

I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch

Fav 0 484 192
share tweet
(408): View more from California

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

(479): View more from Arkansas

MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT

Fav 2 484 192
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.

Fav 2 1268 656
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.

Fav 2 577 238
share tweet

(425): View more from Washington

Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.

(816): View more from Missouri

May his noodley appendage touch you.

Fav 2 693 179
share tweet

(352): View more from Florida

Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition

Fav 0 410 171
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.

Fav 6 727 197
share tweet

(203): View more from Connecticut

drunk brunch me or lose me forever

Fav 2 856 452
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens

Fav 3 698 552
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."

Fav 5 3160 835
share tweet
(495): View more from

you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation

Fav 5 717 341
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

(209): View more from California

Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

Fav 12 2669 1388
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

Fav 1 777 525
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside

Fav 3 879 478
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot

Fav 2 1937 635
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"

Fav 4 1462 621
share tweet
(805): View more from California

It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!

Fav 5 1749 870
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs

Fav 2 973 501
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.

Fav 4 1409 649
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours

Fav 9 2121 856
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"

(707): View more from California

Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.

Fav 6 1804 657
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.

Fav 4 1596 813
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me

Fav 9 2178 676
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back

Fav 7 606 1276
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.

Fav 1 499 837
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT

Fav 0 571 498
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.

Fav 2 811 493
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.

Fav 4 1820 661
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month

Fav 5 924 1925
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.

Fav 0 537 321
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

Fav 20 3936 1228
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.

Fav 27 3793 1293
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.

Fav 8 1202 633
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will

Fav 6 1032 669
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.

Fav 0 679 392
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

Fav 9 2830 1052
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Jk probs not coming. Tequila

Fav 0 542 394
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME

Fav 1 898 346
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

Fav 6 2242 975
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.

Fav 3 1462 837
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.

Fav 3 1289 540
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.

Fav 9 1524 1688
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.

Fav 5 1026 513
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting

Fav 1 1659 653
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.

(936): View more from Texas

I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.

Fav 3 1156 676
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

Fav 28 4230 1173
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me

Fav 7 1030 605
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.

Fav 4 1439 945
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.

Fav 3 1611 882
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.

Fav 3 1275 833
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.

Fav 2 1037 539
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out

Fav 1 712 407
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"

Fav 3 1065 680
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.

Fav 12 1462 616
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

Fav 10 3854 1024
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see

Fav 7 1766 659
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.

Fav 2 834 492
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne

Fav 5 1460 742
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

Fav 21 4455 970
share tweet
(298): View more from

The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

(208): View more from Idaho

You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

Fav 3 2366 751
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?

Fav 3 1208 707
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."

Fav 4 2257 870
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.

Fav 4 1620 647
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat

Fav 2 537 729
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.

Fav 1 1549 790
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers

Fav 4 915 565
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka

Fav 5 832 537
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.

Fav 0 768 379
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.

Fav 4 1824 788
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced

(1-406): View more from Montana

Way to crack the case Nancy Drew

Fav 5 888 668
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.

Fav 2 1845 648
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.

Fav 19 2639 798
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

Fav 73 19508 4225
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

Fav 39 20274 1573
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

Fav 131 21206 2962
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.

Fav 2 611 510
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

Fav 86 39699 2412
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.

Fav 2 772 581
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.

Fav 4 1917 767
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.

Fav 4 1349 767
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

Fav 9 4217 1124
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): View more from California

That's two questions.

Fav 4 2180 1243
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

Fav 3 2709 847
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.

Fav 8 2292 1028
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value

Fav 3 1221 623
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.

Fav 8 1126 807
share tweet
(661): View more from California

He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.

Fav 4 1216 769
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

That was so not worth putting pants on for.

Fav 1 447 572
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.

Fav 6 715 510
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy

Fav 5 2752 860
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.

Fav 14 1574 2205
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

But how do I turn off the feelings though?

(432): View more from Texas

Vodka.

Fav 5 1616 728
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5

Fav 8 974 1071
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.

Fav 0 936 529
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.

Fav 6 1197 624
share tweet
(707): View more from California

fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night

Fav 4 1594 559
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

Fav 22 5645 1129
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover

Fav 0 658 385
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.

Fav 2 1447 744
share tweet
(949): View more from California

You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"

Fav 0 915 718
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.

Fav 13 1513 1605
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship

(817): View more from Texas

Last one there wins

Fav 3 2428 1039
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.

Fav 2 1062 660
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.

Fav 0 654 619
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

Fav 8 3156 1034
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.

Fav 1 936 509
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.

Fav 8 1775 833
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.

Fav 3 2319 1166
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time

Fav 1 826 485
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed

Fav 1 1168 686
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?

(708): View more from Illinois

Most creative movie date proposition... ever.

Fav 6 2232 1383
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg

Fav 2 747 380
share tweet
(951): View more from California

I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.

Fav 2 1630 810
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

Fav 7 3106 1184
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update

Fav 2 823 502
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.

Fav 4 430 930
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Where the royal fuck are you??

(1-425): View more from Washington

The depths of vodka hell.

Fav 13 2513 1029
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks

Fav 2 1167 583
share tweet
(707): View more from California

is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

(408): View more from California

your beer goggles are on backwards.

Fav 4 4492 1103
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.

Fav 3 1457 678
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!

Fav 10 2563 973
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Shit is preposterous

Fav 2 1007 690
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water

Fav 0 744 499
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.

Fav 6 2176 824
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.

Fav 5 795 1397
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?

Fav 7 2294 800
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.

Fav 7 2149 747
share tweet
(779): View more from Illinois

I smell like gasoline and adventure.

Fav 18 2851 1040
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on

(226): View more from Ontario

Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see

Fav 1 1045 618
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Use "feeling words"

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Yay

Fav 3 923 606
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're my favorite person

Fav 7 1476 819
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning

(416): View more from Toronto

Thats for me to know and you to find out.

Fav 1 1427 698
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.

Fav 2 766 433
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed

Fav 2 821 489
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Faces of meth called, they want their look back.

Fav 7 1031 1716
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

Fav 7 2600 988
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"

Fav 2 1245 511
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"

Fav 2 1194 503
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...

Fav 3 1707 787
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.

Fav 4 967 465
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL

Fav 6 2295 814
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...

Fav 2 1617 919
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.

Fav 1 1440 588
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?

Fav 9 1743 795
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

Fav 10 2943 980
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.

Fav 7 982 1331
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

Fav 26 4778 1012
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.

Fav 0 823 544
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

Fav 9 4152 1420
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground

Fav 9 2337 800
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.

Fav 7 1933 871
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS

(740): View more from Ohio

BECAUSE SCIENCE

Fav 9 1841 736
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.

Fav 3 2223 928
share tweet
(213): View more from California

And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at

Fav 5 2018 780
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?

Fav 7 2280 1038
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.

(571): View more from Virginia

just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom

Fav 4 2483 938
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

Fav 24 4254 1296
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.

Fav 0 1082 555
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night

Fav 0 706 393
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household

Fav 5 1226 616
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.

Fav 8 1373 772
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Why Weren't you wearing pants?

(647): View more from Ontario

because pants are for people with no imagination

Fav 6 2759 912
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I didn't notice because vodka

Fav 3 1802 758
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.

(574): View more from Indiana

No I didn't. Whiskey did.

Fav 5 2159 872
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

Fav 6 3574 1913
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

Fav 90 14088 2037
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

Fav 79 14641 1375
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

Fav 131 15187 1768
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time

Fav 2 773 589
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.

(269): View more from Michigan

7) Noodle arms: engage

(269): View more from Michigan

The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.

Fav 8 1767 735
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

Fav 87 16562 3468
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

Fav 28 17224 1869
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

Fav 46 19213 1405
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

Fav 62 20366 2184
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

Fav 50 20775 2682
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

Fav 57 21184 1939
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

Fav 65 21685 2538
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

Fav 36 22410 3678
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

Fav 45 23936 1774
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Fav 48 26747 2047
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

Fav 46 29492 2649
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

Fav 62 31765 1917
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

Fav 80 32308 1628
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

Fav 41 32283 1496
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

Fav 131 32856 3009
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40363 3926
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

Fav 71 40821 2202
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

Fav 207 53713 3599
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115831 11202
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173880 44331
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.

Fav 11 3025 1030
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.

Fav 0 516 621
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML

Fav 8 1874 796
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.

(440): View more from Ohio

Did you offer her some?

(330): View more from Ohio

If only. Current status: Not that clever.

Fav 1 788 572
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

Fav 9 2835 973
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.

Fav 2 1570 750
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.

Fav 5 1128 791
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.

Fav 5 981 452
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.

Fav 3 873 540
share tweet
(408): View more from California

But college guys get to crossfade so there's that

(305): View more from Florida

No idea what that is

(408): View more from California

Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...

(305): View more from Florida

I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words

Fav 8 1776 593
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

So much rum. So many feels.

Fav 0 852 526
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.

Fav 3 684 999
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.

Fav 6 2243 1306
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me

Fav 4 1708 606
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

Fav 16 3299 911
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

Fav 12 6940 1202
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead

(1-417): View more from Missouri

Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.

Fav 7 981 561
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned

Fav 4 1607 2254
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.

Fav 1 807 481
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.

Fav 6 1482 725
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"

Fav 3 1425 701
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Holy sore nipples Batman

Fav 1 530 405
share tweet