Texts From Last Night · ashley1715's Favorites

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ashley1715's Favorites Texts:

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.

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(240): View more from Maryland

just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(360): View more from Washington

I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

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(205): View more from Alabama

they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"

(205): View more from Alabama

pick me up NOW

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.

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(224): View more from Illinois

i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".

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(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it

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(559): View more from California

You realize it's finals week?

(408): View more from California

Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

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(302): View more from Delaware

just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.

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(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.

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(512): View more from Texas

watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos

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(541): View more from Oregon

You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

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(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(561): View more from Florida

Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars

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(440): View more from Ohio

So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(239): View more from Florida

When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

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(423): View more from Tennessee

so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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(585): View more from New York

there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer

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(303): View more from Colorado

i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(940): View more from Texas

good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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(607): View more from New York

The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.

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(530): View more from California

both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems

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(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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(386): View more from Florida

You going to midnight mass? we need a dd

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(314): View more from Missouri

no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.

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(415): View more from California

Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok

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(360): View more from Washington

whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.

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(678): View more from Georgia

My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?

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(205): View more from Alabama

just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(585): View more from New York

okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.

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(303): View more from Colorado

At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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(805): View more from California

Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(650): View more from California

Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.

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(310): View more from California

i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day

(240): View more from Maryland

hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine

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(925): View more from California

So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got to costco. Where are you?

(602): View more from Arizona

Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night

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(703): View more from Virginia

"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...

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(913): View more from Kansas

Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway

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(314): View more from Missouri

I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.

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(631): View more from New York

if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you

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(513): View more from Ohio

Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(980): View more from North Carolina

How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just saw the nastiest chick.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Where?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I see you've learned your lesson.

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(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

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(941): View more from Florida

I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

well apparently not.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.

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(805): View more from California

just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.

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(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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(925): View more from California

i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit

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(704): View more from North Carolina

so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...

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(647): View more from Ontario

Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went

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(407): View more from Florida

Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)

(1-407): View more from Florida

Mom wtf!?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

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(231): View more from Michigan

At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?

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(315): View more from New York

He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?

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(613): View more from Ontario

my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave

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(269): View more from Michigan

I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?

(609): View more from New Jersey

And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud

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(585): View more from New York

I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.

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(303): View more from Colorado

No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.

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(916): View more from California

I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"

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(805): View more from California

i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila

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(970): View more from Colorado

How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(734): View more from Michigan

swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.

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(205): View more from Alabama

During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China

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(810): View more from Michigan

i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said

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(716): View more from New York

I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(516): View more from New York

you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..

(614): View more from Ohio

ya and it worked didnt it??

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please

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(318): View more from Louisiana

why is allison so mad at me??

(469): View more from Texas

me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".

(318): View more from Louisiana

crap..

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.

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(305): View more from Florida

It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me

(847): View more from Illinois

No promises.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(619): View more from California

you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.

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(559): View more from California

today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?

(954): View more from Florida

Why wouldn't there be.

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(903): View more from Texas

pop tarts are not kleenex

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

(703): View more from Virginia

mine is 'the'.

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(914): View more from New York

Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(517): View more from Michigan

she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK

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(231): View more from Michigan

bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.

(517): View more from Michigan

Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.

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(702): View more from Nevada

As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(204): View more from Manitoba

When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?

(204): View more from Manitoba

I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...

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(507): View more from Minnesota

The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?

(609): View more from New Jersey

dont start drinking without me

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