Texts From Last Night · blue_eyes1979's Favorites

blue_eyes1979's Favorites Texts:

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(218): View more from Minnesota

His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.

(612): View more from Minnesota

His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets

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(530): View more from California

I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

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(619): View more from California

Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.

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(310): View more from California

The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.

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(719): View more from Colorado

My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.

(1-719): View more from Colorado

Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!

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(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.

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(406): View more from Montana

Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.

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(818): View more from California

you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.

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(708): View more from Illinois

It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart

(763): View more from Minnesota

Die.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.

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(914): View more from New York

Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.

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(540): View more from Virginia

'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"

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(815): View more from Illinois

Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.

(507): View more from Minnesota

I can't wait to read your obituary.

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(678): View more from Georgia

After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".

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(512): View more from Texas

Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.

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(240): View more from Maryland

You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.

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(818): View more from California

Hahah what did you even say to him?!

(805): View more from California

That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?

(818): View more from California

Oh.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

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(330): View more from Ohio

Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.

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(517): View more from Michigan

To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?

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(209): View more from California

High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now

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(904): View more from Florida

You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.

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(914): View more from New York

Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.

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(303): View more from Colorado

just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence

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(207): View more from Maine

someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?

(1-207): View more from Maine

since 2006

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Steaks?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's Ash Wednesday.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?

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(254): View more from Texas

We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.

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(607): View more from New York

The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Coming to you live from the floor of my office..

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(914): View more from New York

I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.

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(303): View more from Colorado

WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Just high enough for therapy.

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(574): View more from Indiana

how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.

(1-512): View more from Texas

I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Basically.

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(254): View more from Texas

Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?

(517): View more from Michigan

Like it was yesterday.

(254): View more from Texas

Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian

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(253): View more from Washington

If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?

(256): View more from Alabama

absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.

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(408): View more from California

Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.

(408): View more from California

Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly

(1-408): View more from California

I approve this so hard.

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(512): View more from Texas

There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

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(518): View more from New York

Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.

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(914): View more from New York

Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.

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(616): View more from Michigan

But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...

(860): View more from Connecticut

the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you

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(219): View more from Indiana

I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.

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(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

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(845): View more from New York

YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE

(1-914): View more from New York

YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.

(845): View more from New York

I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success

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(310): View more from California

He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them

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(779): View more from Illinois

He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

soon, soon....

(908): View more from New Jersey

I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....

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(801): View more from Utah

It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).

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(425): View more from Washington

So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?

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(817): View more from Texas

You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?

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(404): View more from Georgia

After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

(404): View more from Georgia

I come from her. Holy hell.

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(516): View more from New York

You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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(801): View more from Utah

He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water

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(443): View more from Maryland

well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.

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(760): View more from California

I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(850): View more from Florida

Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

This is why I married you.

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(254): View more from Texas

Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.

(254): View more from Texas

Tornado warnings are fun!

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(64): View more from New Zealand

Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...

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(847): View more from Illinois

This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)

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(406): View more from Montana

I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock

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(732): View more from New Jersey

When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.

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(+61): View more from Australia

On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety

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(317): View more from Indiana

Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus

(1-317): View more from Indiana

tequila?

(317): View more from Indiana

yep

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive

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(317): View more from Indiana

Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.

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(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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(212): View more from New York

She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce

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(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?

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(646): View more from New York

There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.

(917): View more from New York City

Delicious

(646): View more from New York

I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(604): View more from British Columbia

every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water

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(979): View more from Texas

I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan

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(209): View more from California

His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

FUCK YOU MAN

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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(512): View more from Texas

Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.

(512): View more from Texas

Wont she be proud, Hailey.

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(310): View more from California

Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

(818): View more from California

No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat

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(317): View more from Indiana

The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Ya that ship has sailed dude

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(360): View more from Washington

I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.

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(707): View more from California

Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.

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(540): View more from Virginia

A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(561): View more from Florida

The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.

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(804): View more from Virginia

God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

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(850): View more from Florida

Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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(512): View more from Texas

He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

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(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

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(406): View more from Montana

We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.

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(512): View more from Texas

That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.

(210): View more from Texas

It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?

(512): View more from Texas

Is your card paying for my plan b?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.

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(713): View more from Texas

the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us

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(850): View more from Florida

I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

(239): View more from Florida

that is the opposite of a normal text message.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus

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(785): View more from Kansas

You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."

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(831): View more from California

After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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(813): View more from Florida

his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.

(407): View more from Florida

yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.

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(512): View more from Texas

Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!

(1-512): View more from Texas

Did she say Ok?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".

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(336): View more from North Carolina

MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Let's paint friendship bongs

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(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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(707): View more from California

They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.

(705): View more from Ontario

I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.

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(917): View more from New York City

There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar

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(250): View more from British Columbia

SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.

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(619): View more from California

I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.

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(707): View more from California

Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.

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(714): View more from California

She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.

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(+61): View more from Australia

he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"

(406): View more from Montana

Midwestern nice.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?

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(914): View more from New York

I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.

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(212): View more from New York

You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.

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(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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(647): View more from Ontario

we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.

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(716): View more from New York

He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(850): View more from Florida

My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?

(1-850): View more from Florida

It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?

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(205): View more from Alabama

Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.

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(785): View more from Kansas

WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS

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(773): View more from Illinois

We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below

(773): View more from Illinois

When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.

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(917): View more from New York City

SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good

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(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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(561): View more from Florida

I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.

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(425): View more from Washington

Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?

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(805): View more from California

I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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(816): View more from Missouri

It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.

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(626): View more from California

HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.

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(817): View more from Texas

Do you have any booze?

(214): View more from Texas

Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"

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(443): View more from Maryland

She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(512): View more from Texas

Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.

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(512): View more from Texas

Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

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(423): View more from Tennessee

All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!

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(425): View more from Washington

Where the royal fuck are you??

(1-425): View more from Washington

The depths of vodka hell.

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(419): View more from Ohio

we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.

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(509): View more from Washington

We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler

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(319): View more from Iowa

Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?

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(541): View more from Oregon

And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.

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(813): View more from Florida

This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

(513): View more from Ohio

Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

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(512): View more from Texas

I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band

(312): View more from Illinois

Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over

(1+44): View more from

Wet with either fear or sexual excitement

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think a mixture of both is appropriate

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz

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(+88): View more from

I swear the crows are laughing at me.

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You my friend are stoned into submission

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Hey there's a sandwich in there too!

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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(661): View more from California

Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay

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(254): View more from Texas

Are we hungover?

(713): View more from Texas

I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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(850): View more from Florida

Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(419): View more from Ohio

having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...

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(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(914): View more from New York

I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..

(587): View more from Alberta

Wow. We're meant to be..

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(972): View more from Texas

he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often

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(979): View more from Texas

For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.

(512): View more from Texas

You. Win. At. Life.

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(706): View more from Georgia

She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.

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(650): View more from California

we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed

(505): View more from New Mexico

god you guys know how to party

(650): View more from California

worst. bachelorette party. ever.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

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