Texts From Last Night · cwelkman's Favorites

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(320): View more from Minnesota

An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.

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(206): View more from Washington

That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.

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(212): View more from New York

My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.

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(989): View more from Michigan

So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.

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(713): View more from Texas

Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee

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(317): View more from Indiana

If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt

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(650): View more from California

I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.

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(512): View more from Texas

During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.

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(239): View more from Florida

The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.

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(530): View more from California

Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?

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(817): View more from Texas

Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.

(682): View more from Texas

That's completely alright, I do it a lot.

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(512): View more from Texas

How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.

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(516): View more from New York

I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?

(614): View more from Ohio

Your word choices worry me.

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(518): View more from New York

Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch

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(301): View more from Maryland

Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?

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(812): View more from Indiana

god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends

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(713): View more from Texas

Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?

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(516): View more from New York

Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday

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(347): View more from New York

Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..

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(210): View more from Texas

I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.

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(276): View more from Virginia

Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.

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(519): View more from Ontario

If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws

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(218): View more from Minnesota

my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.

(720): View more from Colorado

School starts next week

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(661): View more from California

If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.

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(619): View more from California

You fucked that MILF against my car!

(415): View more from California

How would you know?

(619): View more from California

She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.

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(281): View more from Texas

all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy

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(571): View more from Virginia

If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.

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(303): View more from Colorado

This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone came in the potted fern

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent

(603): View more from New Hampshire

You are living the dream.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around

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(425): View more from Washington

I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE

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(870): View more from Arkansas

My boob is missing a layer of skin

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(209): View more from California

Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I have poison ivy on my dick

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

WHAT

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(613): View more from Ontario

Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital

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(503): View more from Oregon

I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.

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(647): View more from Ontario

My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.

(469): View more from Texas

I have the flu.

(214): View more from Texas

I don't give a shit

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.

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(209): View more from California

you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet

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(936): View more from Texas

It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there

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(678): View more from Georgia

I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'

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(912): View more from Georgia

Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.

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(469): View more from Texas

He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over

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(440): View more from Ohio

This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?

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(407): View more from Florida

When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.

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(727): View more from Florida

His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.

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(818): View more from California

I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.

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(503): View more from Oregon

For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?

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(415): View more from California

That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.

(605): View more from South Dakota

When was that?

(515): View more from Iowa

Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.

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(480): View more from Arizona

We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i've created a new STD.

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(713): View more from Texas

No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"

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(443): View more from Maryland

Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.

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(912): View more from Georgia

He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.

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(917): View more from New York City

Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.

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(480): View more from Arizona

"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"

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(914): View more from New York

He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.

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(949): View more from California

We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events

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(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?

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(586): View more from Michigan

plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you

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(740): View more from Ohio

Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.

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(562): View more from California

bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad

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(971): View more from Oregon

Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR

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(979): View more from Texas

She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.

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(631): View more from New York

I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed

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(415): View more from California

Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

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(516): View more from New York

my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now

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(415): View more from California

Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.

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(949): View more from California

The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything

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(501): View more from Arkansas

SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self

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(313): View more from Michigan

hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico

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(703): View more from Virginia

yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me

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(480): View more from Arizona

From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass

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(240): View more from Maryland

just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes

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(479): View more from Arkansas

They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

this is a time for prayers...seriously

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

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(925): View more from California

I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't

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(319): View more from Iowa

just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

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(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(623): View more from Arizona

His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?

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(561): View more from Florida

I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.

(561): View more from Florida

He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.

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(614): View more from Ohio

True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.

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(231): View more from Michigan

my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

(989): View more from Michigan

i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

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