Texts From Last Night · duchess21's Favorites

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duchess21's Favorites Texts:

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(734): View more from Michigan

The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.

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(212): View more from New York

No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.

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(518): View more from New York

I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are

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(440): View more from Ohio

he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.

(440): View more from Ohio

he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!

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(317): View more from Indiana

& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.

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(330): View more from Ohio

if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?

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(815): View more from Illinois

You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"

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(310): View more from California

Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.

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(805): View more from California

I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Really? A fat girl?

(1-206): View more from Washington

I'm walking her back. Chill out.

(1-206): View more from Washington

She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.

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(406): View more from Montana

Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving

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(916): View more from California

When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!

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(330): View more from Ohio

Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!

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(512): View more from Texas

I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...

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(775): View more from Nevada

A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian

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(614): View more from Ohio

Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere

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(757): View more from Virginia

pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.

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(425): View more from Washington

That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."

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(563): View more from Iowa

I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.

(604): View more from British Columbia

I go down on you because abs

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(727): View more from Florida

I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes

(937): View more from Ohio

Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?

(727): View more from Florida

Oh god...probably.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike

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(352): View more from Florida

He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.

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(513): View more from Ohio

hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out

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(586): View more from Michigan

Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth

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(631): View more from New York

It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face

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(514): View more from Quebec

He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success

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(503): View more from Oregon

Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship

(1-503): View more from Oregon

A tequila worm?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!

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(936): View more from Texas

We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯

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(760): View more from California

This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful

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(530): View more from California

I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "

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(416): View more from Toronto

She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"

(1-416): View more from Toronto

You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?

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(650): View more from California

At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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(260): View more from Indiana

The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.

(314): View more from Missouri

What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!

(260): View more from Indiana

Americans.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.

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(517): View more from Michigan

well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.

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(341): View more from California

I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.

(341): View more from California

But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade

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(630): View more from Illinois

i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?

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(561): View more from Florida

My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you

(1+44): View more from

Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause

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(613): View more from Ontario

The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD

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(248): View more from Michigan

How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....

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(650): View more from California

Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S

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(720): View more from Colorado

Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!

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(720): View more from Colorado

Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"

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(320): View more from Minnesota

An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?

(1-507): View more from Minnesota

Fuck you, my tits are fabulous

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(847): View more from Illinois

How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.

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(813): View more from Florida

So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman

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(514): View more from Quebec

When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.

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(616): View more from Michigan

do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.

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(323): View more from California

Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?

(1-323): View more from California

Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.

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(770): View more from Georgia

He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.

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(716): View more from New York

He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!

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(913): View more from Kansas

Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila

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(904): View more from Florida

Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.

(631): View more from New York

You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?

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(925): View more from California

Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER

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(619): View more from California

I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.

(619): View more from California

.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?

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(406): View more from Montana

Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation

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(847): View more from Illinois

So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.

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(360): View more from Washington

Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?

(1-360): View more from Washington

I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.

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(770): View more from Georgia

you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.

(1-770): View more from Georgia

But what if it got lost?

(770): View more from Georgia

its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.

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(347): View more from New York

And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult

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(971): View more from Oregon

Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account

(971): View more from Oregon

It could happen to you too!

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(406): View more from Montana

I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.

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(315): View more from New York

The second I see you we're shot gunning beers

(1-315): View more from New York

It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning

(315): View more from New York

And your point is?

(1-315): View more from New York

Marry me

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(817): View more from Texas

she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".

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(906): View more from Michigan

My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.

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(847): View more from Illinois

My day in three words: secret purse cake

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.

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(727): View more from Florida

Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila

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(404): View more from Georgia

I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.

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(773): View more from Illinois

him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.

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(727): View more from Florida

Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!

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(708): View more from Illinois

I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?

(224): View more from Illinois

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me

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(512): View more from Texas

You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.

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(206): View more from Washington

Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?

(360): View more from Washington

What are you gonna do about it?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....

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(314): View more from Missouri

I am not getting you a goat.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.

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(845): View more from New York

You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....

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(585): View more from New York

You get home okay?

(1-585): View more from New York

I'm pantless and in bed

(585): View more from New York

That doesn't mean you're at home.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married

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(713): View more from Texas

You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever

(281): View more from Texas

I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE

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(734): View more from Michigan

You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.

(469): View more from Texas

I have the flu.

(214): View more from Texas

I don't give a shit

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(613): View more from Ontario

You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.

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(813): View more from Florida

So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."

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(970): View more from Colorado

Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.

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(19): View more from

Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection

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(937): View more from Ohio

I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.

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(360): View more from Washington

Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?

(208): View more from Idaho

You need southern Jesus

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I almost fell asleep reading that.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I almost fell asleep fucking it.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.

(443): View more from Maryland

Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.

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(727): View more from Florida

I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame

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(224): View more from Illinois

I haven't been sober in 4 days.

(1-224): View more from Illinois

Then be sober

(224): View more from Illinois

No.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over

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(512): View more from Texas

Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.

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(727): View more from Florida

She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me

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(907): View more from Alaska

You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.

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(323): View more from California

I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...

(931): View more from Tennessee

And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

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(925): View more from California

So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?

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(937): View more from Ohio

Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.

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(802): View more from Vermont

just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store

(203): View more from Connecticut

was it you?

(802): View more from Vermont

...yes

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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