Texts From Last Night · jcarbert's Favorites

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(516): View more from New York

It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post

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(+61): View more from Australia

We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.

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(713): View more from Texas

she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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(319): View more from Iowa

i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself

(612): View more from Minnesota

It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...

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(303): View more from Colorado

Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.

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(773): View more from Illinois

At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

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(443): View more from Maryland

she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

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(970): View more from Colorado

we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!

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(315): View more from New York

Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.

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(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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(989): View more from Michigan

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(904): View more from Florida

He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".

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(864): View more from South Carolina

just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(516): View more from New York

Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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(620): View more from Kansas

We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.

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(404): View more from Georgia

FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

(1-404): View more from Georgia

haha good one..how did you even know?

(404): View more from Georgia

we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

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(415): View more from California

I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.

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(323): View more from California

I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning

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(586): View more from Michigan

sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well

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(352): View more from Florida

Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I swear god or herbie drove my car home

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(269): View more from Michigan

I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(720): View more from Colorado

we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

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(517): View more from Michigan

i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

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(239): View more from Florida

I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.

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(251): View more from Alabama

the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

It is literally 8 in the morning.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(253): View more from Washington

Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we were pretty classy up until the second keg

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(970): View more from Colorado

If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.

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(516): View more from New York

...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?

(585): View more from New York

hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that

(516): View more from New York

is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap

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(647): View more from Ontario

Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

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(386): View more from Florida

i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big

(720): View more from Colorado

Welcome to my life

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(315): View more from New York

He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.

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(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?

(651): View more from Minnesota

That's yours. We cut you off.

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(361): View more from Texas

I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow

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(214): View more from Texas

He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.

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(302): View more from Delaware

you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

he's 29.

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(209): View more from California

is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

(1-209): View more from California

yes...dear jesus what did you do?

(209): View more from California

bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

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(970): View more from Colorado

It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn

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(804): View more from Virginia

Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

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(303): View more from Colorado

i have a dinosaur tramp stamp

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(305): View more from Florida

quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.

(201): View more from New Jersey

I am both scared and jealous.

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(661): View more from California

this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship

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(302): View more from Delaware

It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex

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(614): View more from Ohio

Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.

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(954): View more from Florida

it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself

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(515): View more from Iowa

i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.

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(718): View more from New York

it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store

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(269): View more from Michigan

I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

what if I'm pregnant?

(848): View more from New Jersey

smusmorshion

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(515): View more from Iowa

Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.

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(817): View more from Texas

My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

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(678): View more from Georgia

you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.

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(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.

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(303): View more from Colorado

friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension

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(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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(647): View more from Ontario

It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.

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(518): View more from New York

As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.

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(720): View more from Colorado

He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.

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(760): View more from California

The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.

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(315): View more from New York

i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them

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(208): View more from Idaho

On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.

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(425): View more from Washington

I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.

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(305): View more from Florida

We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.

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(406): View more from Montana

He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night

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(714): View more from California

I would go down on you faster than GM stock

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(919): View more from North Carolina

bitch so ugly she owes me an erection

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(740): View more from Ohio

he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(217): View more from Illinois

so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.

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(574): View more from Indiana

my professor just said "the power of the situation"

(216): View more from Ohio

drink

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(406): View more from Montana

As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve

(608): View more from Wisconsin

clearly you are not from wisconsin

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?

(410): View more from Maryland

The recession has changed everything man.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'

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(626): View more from California

Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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(815): View more from Illinois

my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves

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(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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(407): View more from Florida

The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(678): View more from Georgia

He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?

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(954): View more from Florida

i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night

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(860): View more from Connecticut

no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Only if they know about it too.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer

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(636): View more from Missouri

At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"

(314): View more from Missouri

You fucking left with him didn't you?!

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(818): View more from California

Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night

(334): View more from Alabama

I felt like a fucking code breaker.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem

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(415): View more from California

Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

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(213): View more from California

I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'

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(925): View more from California

never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(785): View more from Kansas

Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.

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(727): View more from Florida

he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.

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(361): View more from Texas

What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?

(1-361): View more from Texas

These are the tickets we got last night.

(361): View more from Texas

Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?

(1-361): View more from Texas

Yes...yes you did.

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(618): View more from Illinois

No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

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(850): View more from Florida

when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?

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(954): View more from Florida

God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret

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(256): View more from Alabama

we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with

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(863): View more from Florida

During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?

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(219): View more from Indiana

Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.

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(631): View more from New York

I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing

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(614): View more from Ohio

how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away

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(818): View more from California

Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.

(818): View more from California

Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.

(818): View more from California

And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(650): View more from California

Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.

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(512): View more from Texas

Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"

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