Texts From Last Night · meyer0351's Favorites

Sorry whointucson hasn't picked any favorites yet.

meyer0351's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(310): View more from California

My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.

Fav 0 158 200
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..

Fav 0 171 71
share tweet

(775): View more from Nevada

he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance

Fav 4 286 243
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy

Fav 4 972 525
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.

(904): View more from Florida

I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.

Fav 2 475 192
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.

Fav 3 512 572
share tweet

(212): View more from New York

No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.

Fav 7 2517 704
share tweet

(609): View more from New Jersey

I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.

Fav 1 1675 605
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.

Fav 5 793 910
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex

Fav 7 1170 641
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.

Fav 5 1943 743
share tweet

(901): View more from Tennessee

So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?

Fav 8 873 1410
share tweet

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.

Fav 6 1446 951
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...

Fav 4 836 669
share tweet

(618): View more from Illinois

There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.

Fav 7 1783 1048
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.

Fav 11 732 1947
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry

Fav 9 1334 604
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.

Fav 5 1261 630
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

Fav 12 3503 1002
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?

Fav 4 1473 902
share tweet
(530): View more from California

We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."

Fav 3 4006 1244
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..

Fav 7 951 1872
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.

Fav 8 1712 998
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

Fav 15 5781 1343
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.

Fav 10 1852 2989
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?

Fav 12 1054 2230
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof

Fav 13 1039 2786
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...

Fav 11 2600 938
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...

Fav 3 824 1209
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.

Fav 10 1674 1116
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence

Fav 6 1777 1266
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.

Fav 14 790 1669
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.

Fav 6 1452 779
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

Fav 51 16036 4497
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.

Fav 18 1029 3381
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

Fav 21 2233 5313
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

Fav 13 9124 1339
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

Fav 14 7514 1781
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.

Fav 32 6605 1570
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I feel strange, like something is off with my body

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days

Fav 3 1896 806
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech

Fav 3 1349 691
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa

Fav 11 1871 887
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.

Fav 99 2145 19249
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

Fav 57 2127 21468
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

Fav 16 2822 1127
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.

Fav 3 1469 850
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.

Fav 8 911 2218
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"

Fav 6 2938 737
share tweet
(420): View more from

Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.

Fav 5 1732 761
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast

Fav 4 1573 738
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

Fav 9 5590 1441
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth

Fav 9 980 2006
share tweet
(805): View more from California

she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu

Fav 12 7685 1117
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.

Fav 36 3895 1234
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.

Fav 7 1745 868
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?

(518): View more from New York

Its called bad cop laid cop.

Fav 9 4239 1023
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.

Fav 44 2457 6447
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

Fav 14 2894 1208
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.

Fav 13 2603 1380
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.

Fav 12 5371 949
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil

Fav 8 1310 1487
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?

Fav 50 7298 1062
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

Fav 22 9105 1247
share tweet
(415): View more from California

how hairy? two words: wookie tits

Fav 32 1045 6127
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.

Fav 10 1122 4641
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

Fav 2 2354 1071
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....

Fav 5 2185 1033
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

Fav 9 2580 1178
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.

Fav 24 4566 1103
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

Fav 22 4099 1433
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

Fav 10 2943 982
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

Fav 104 24498 1398
share tweet
(328): View more from

im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?

(1-328): View more from

anal.

Fav 33 6157 1790
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.

Fav 4 1145 1875
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

Fav 20 9287 2026
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

Fav 19 6930 1624
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

You feel like going out tonight?

(1-212): View more from New York

Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle

Fav 5 1618 1113
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.

Fav 7 1785 940
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.

Fav 8 4949 1667
share tweet
(760): View more from California

new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.

Fav 33 918 8393
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

Fav 13 4800 1515
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control

Fav 46 1129 8685
share tweet
(+44): View more from England

You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked

Fav 22 1035 3441
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face

Fav 7 3096 1118
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

(615): View more from Tennessee

She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

Fav 89 8205 1840
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

Fav 12 3629 1143
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Dignity is for republicans.

Fav 39 5243 1934
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth

Fav 7 2356 934
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!

Fav 32 6449 1862
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.

Fav 16 1171 2558
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS

Fav 97 2038 8026
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.

Fav 10 3536 1370
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?

Fav 35 1598 3650
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.

Fav 8 2189 773
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?

Fav 5 3297 968
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.

Fav 5 2402 784
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman

Fav 10 2921 1295
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.

Fav 13 2207 911
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized

Fav 53 5434 1348
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?

Fav 12 3025 1609
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab

Fav 4 2004 1107
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Little spoons don't ask big questions

Fav 18 4752 1148
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

Fav 47 14631 1492
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking

Fav 17 5687 1250
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

Fav 14 2286 5983
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.

Fav 14 3863 1352
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life

Fav 21 7022 1636
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.

Fav 22 1623 5822
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.

(425): View more from Washington

i'm in love

Fav 23 1429 3601
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.

Fav 8 3887 1089
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.

Fav 13 6982 1161
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

Fav 26 4406 1081
share tweet
(661): View more from California

She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro

Fav 31 1335 6311
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.

Fav 22 949 5448
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.

Fav 10 2793 1636
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.

Fav 10 2973 1415
share tweet
(415): View more from California

When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?

Fav 20 1229 2286
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting

Fav 12 1681 3854
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.

Fav 8 2217 1650
share tweet
(562): View more from California

guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

Fav 17 7110 1756
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes

Fav 9 2072 4394
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...

Fav 10 1538 3099
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

Fav 32 8973 1274
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

Fav 36 2313 1346
share tweet
(+79): View more from

Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight

Fav 18 5156 1765
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.

Fav 25 974 4684
share tweet
(530): View more from California

for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.

Fav 16 3940 1290
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me

Fav 25 1216 3700
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

Fav 13 4544 1693
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

Fav 11 7429 1907
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.

Fav 31 3481 1644
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

Fav 67 17834 2410
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.

Fav 8 1480 2592
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge

Fav 25 1233 6456
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"

Fav 49 4928 1173
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

Fav 67 2929 9490
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

Fav 25 7630 1816
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet

Fav 41 5808 1908
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

Fav 24 9143 1937
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?

Fav 37 5543 2440
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

Fav 10 8258 1097
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

Fav 41 8978 2980
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

Fav 26 9476 1662
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume

Fav 16 4959 1131
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?

Fav 4 924 4570
share tweet
(408): View more from California

she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again

Fav 41 878 6076
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.

Fav 11 1291 2339
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

How sober do you have to be to donate blood?

Fav 9 3820 1382
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

Fav 18 5958 1368
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

Fav 21 4208 2282
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173888 44335
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

Fav 509 178668 8190
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.

Fav 12 3701 1496
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

Fav 7 6451 1649
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

Fav 15 4462 1663
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.

Fav 40 1369 6916
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.

Fav 7 2335 1216
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals

Fav 17 2020 1156
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.

Fav 2 1226 900
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.

Fav 9 1079 2387
share tweet
(831): View more from California

i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila

Fav 8 1811 842
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.

Fav 8 3013 1319
share tweet
(310): View more from California

im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon

Fav 21 911 1809
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it

Fav 18 1135 2888
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.

Fav 23 1809 5687
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level

Fav 2 2048 918
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'

(860): View more from Connecticut

where do you find these guys?

Fav 14 3116 1546
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist

Fav 8 1834 968
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

Fav 24 6917 1241
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night

Fav 11 4422 1694
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.

Fav 7 3599 1269
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

Fav 6 3697 958
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

Fav 28 4217 1631
share tweet
(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

Fav 9 5908 1378
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

Fav 25 4010 1760
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent

Fav 12 2285 1100
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster

Fav 5 2091 954
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?

Fav 7 2651 1200
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!

Fav 4 1496 1049
share tweet
(323): View more from California

What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?

Fav 10 2628 913
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...

Fav 13 2048 999
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.

Fav 17 2475 1558
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.

(517): View more from Michigan

We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by

Fav 9 3406 1201
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up

Fav 64 912 3863
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

Fav 27 6073 1725
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

Fav 20 5049 1086
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister

Fav 5 2385 924
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"

Fav 4 2244 1042
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

Fav 50 2318 11482
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

Fav 6 4337 1385
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

Fav 148 8165 70877
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.

(214): View more from Texas

kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.

(903): View more from Texas

I'll be there in 10

Fav 19 6303 1106
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross

(647): View more from Ontario

well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun

Fav 12 1174 3916
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.

Fav 38 1118 14193
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.

Fav 11 1260 3690
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem

Fav 14 1181 2953
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn

Fav 5 1238 1502
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

Fav 29 6844 3123
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

Fav 9 1927 2141
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.

Fav 15 995 4202
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.

Fav 9 903 2611
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

Fav 6 3211 1182
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.

Fav 7 1690 1163
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck

Fav 15 2670 952
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship

Fav 5 2317 1052
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"

Fav 10 3912 1392
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick

Fav 11 4224 1039
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue

Fav 18 4539 2368
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

Fav 25 6607 1709
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

Fav 5 5524 1282
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity

Fav 12 1562 4092
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

Fav 358 25036 8200
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

Fav 87 26961 5270
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

Fav 69 28900 3780
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

Fav 101 35346 4429
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40363 3929
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

Fav 81 46061 2516
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

Fav 48 49310 2812
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53081 3395
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61944 8175
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63492 2875
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

Fav 236 67233 3288
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67669 4395
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76383 3433
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146108 10757
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.

Fav 15 1185 4176
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hate that ur telling me this.

Fav 19 1234 4649
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.

Fav 4 2582 1305
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.

Fav 44 1113 3618
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

Fav 3 4384 1149
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.

Fav 11 828 4057
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

Fav 13 3639 1029
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".

Fav 6 2545 1244
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.

(248): View more from Michigan

hah, sarcasm, classic

Fav 10 2822 1267
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

Fav 19 2254 7744
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.

Fav 38 5154 2464
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks

Fav 149 3754 2438
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.

Fav 18 5163 2158
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.

Fav 31 960 5617
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I have no recollection of sleep choking you

Fav 8 1848 2468
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

Fav 21 7129 1713
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

he just put it in my mouth and said "go"

Fav 64 2914 5578
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.

Fav 7 1196 3001
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.

Fav 3 1937 1243
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.

Fav 42 1520 6933
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

Fav 13 6768 1737
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

Fav 10 1767 4031
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.

Fav 13 5939 1458
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

Fav 7 1930 6115
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.

Fav 22 1229 8514
share tweet