Texts From Last Night · mjp123's Favorites

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mjp123's Favorites Texts:

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.

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(618): View more from Illinois

At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.

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(303): View more from Colorado

And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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(561): View more from Florida

And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived

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(210): View more from Texas

DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES

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(310): View more from California

Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing

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(509): View more from Washington

You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.

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(562): View more from California

Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook

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(760): View more from California

drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.

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(775): View more from Nevada

If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.

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(205): View more from Alabama

He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.

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(613): View more from Ontario

It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

(856): View more from New Jersey

dear god, who put you in a cab?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night

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(865): View more from Tennessee

we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(407): View more from Florida

I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?

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(347): View more from New York

full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.

(513): View more from Ohio

I stole a bike. Here's a pic

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(727): View more from Florida

at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.

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(260): View more from Indiana

He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.

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(618): View more from Illinois

She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up

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(760): View more from California

if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel

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(678): View more from Georgia

Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.

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(954): View more from Florida

I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.

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(817): View more from Texas

He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?

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(334): View more from Alabama

He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.

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(972): View more from Texas

he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

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(713): View more from Texas

The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was

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(786): View more from Florida

you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you

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(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

he tried to breastfeed my turtle

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(760): View more from California

I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.

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(949): View more from California

She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.

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(323): View more from California

Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me

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(678): View more from Georgia

Someone shattered a urinal.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.

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(845): View more from New York

you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away

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(682): View more from Texas

Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

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(213): View more from California

You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?

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(810): View more from Michigan

Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.

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(970): View more from Colorado

You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?

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(563): View more from Iowa

Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag

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(303): View more from Colorado

There are paw prints all over my ceiling.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.

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(574): View more from Indiana

2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home

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(214): View more from Texas

he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(703): View more from Virginia

To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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(480): View more from Arizona

he seriously made his penis a facebook.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future

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(785): View more from Kansas

She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...

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(573): View more from Missouri

I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.

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(210): View more from Texas

If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great

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(646): View more from New York

all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?

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(614): View more from Ohio

She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?

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(308): View more from Nebraska

You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"

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(646): View more from New York

It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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(416): View more from Toronto

drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.

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(480): View more from Arizona

im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk

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(317): View more from Indiana

you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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(330): View more from Ohio

I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.

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(313): View more from Michigan

you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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(209): View more from California

she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.

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(510): View more from California

Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.

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(417): View more from Missouri

You insisted on take shots off of plates.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools

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(917): View more from New York City

On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests

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(647): View more from Ontario

Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.

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(254): View more from Texas

she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(210): View more from Texas

Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade

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(601): View more from Mississippi

After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop

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(407): View more from Florida

I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

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(928): View more from Arizona

Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.

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(518): View more from New York

I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.

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(512): View more from Texas

Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.

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(360): View more from Washington

I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too

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(517): View more from Michigan

All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.

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(530): View more from California

she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.

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(703): View more from Virginia

No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.

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(707): View more from California

I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR

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(313): View more from Michigan

We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"

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mjp123's Favorites Texts:

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