Texts From Last Night · mobprincess's Favorites

mobprincess's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(404): View more from Georgia

Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever

Fav 4 1184 794
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

Fav 21 1108 2853
share tweet

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.

Fav 11 982 1504
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

Fav 6 4128 1086
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Life is too short to have fake orgasms.

Fav 14 3199 934
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.

Fav 13 770 1305
share tweet

(919): View more from North Carolina

My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?

Fav 5 1462 729
share tweet

(949): View more from California

I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library

Fav 24 3229 1024
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.

Fav 0 1329 1014
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.

Fav 7 1894 891
share tweet
(310): View more from California

So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.

Fav 8 1444 784
share tweet

(229): View more from Georgia

He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.

Fav 5 2420 1035
share tweet

(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

Fav 18 6434 923
share tweet
(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM

Fav 17 1821 801
share tweet

(692): View more from

I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger

Fav 1 1245 651
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."

Fav 8 1672 819
share tweet
(650): View more from California

My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.

Fav 14 2509 1145
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.

Fav 11 2336 894
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

Fav 22 3049 991
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best

Fav 6 1955 1016
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.

Fav 7 1517 863
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it

Fav 12 1825 834
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.

Fav 21 1511 706
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.

Fav 7 3227 805
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?

Fav 8 1452 877
share tweet
(650): View more from California

barbara walters just said penis...

Fav 10 3064 1136
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.

Fav 14 3104 1026
share tweet
(587): View more from Alberta

Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?

Fav 11 1702 1978
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

Fav 12 6940 1202
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.

Fav 4 2641 1129
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?

Fav 6 1460 815
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.

Fav 2 2176 749
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry

(1-269): View more from Michigan

im coming over

Fav 4 1583 799
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.

Fav 16 1786 1227
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.

Fav 5 1983 1450
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME

Fav 18 2889 1041
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?

Fav 15 1205 1971
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat

(614): View more from Ohio

repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES

Fav 6 2213 1015
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life

Fav 2 1538 888
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on

Fav 5 1573 920
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

(941): View more from Florida

I was attacked by whores

(609): View more from New Jersey

You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

(941): View more from Florida

They were strong whores

Fav 7 2397 935
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

Fav 22 4795 1584
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.

Fav 11 2278 846
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me

Fav 7 2118 970
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.

Fav 9 2279 1330
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.

Fav 7 1464 855
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze

Fav 3 1555 747
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.

Fav 3 1322 808
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.

Fav 11 1714 1415
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.

Fav 9 3867 1100
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.

(740): View more from Ohio

Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.

Fav 22 1194 5875
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.

Fav 4 1242 824
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

Fav 12 4141 1170
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...

Fav 15 3627 1034
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.

Fav 11 3350 1042
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.

Fav 5 3214 870
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

her nipple to breast ratio was just odd

Fav 20 1198 3780
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.

Fav 8 2888 923
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.

(702): View more from Nevada

It's like the whiskey god was watching over you

Fav 7 3654 945
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.

Fav 17 1141 2714
share tweet
(650): View more from California

It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.

Fav 3 1533 950
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS

Fav 15 2610 892
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

Fav 41 6091 2070
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

He sprained his penis one time

(603): View more from New Hampshire

He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis

Fav 21 869 2506
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

(913): View more from Kansas

1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

Fav 12 3741 1111
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

Fav 15 2900 1218
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.

Fav 5 1805 1082
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?

Fav 5 1776 858
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.

Fav 7 1751 913
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.

Fav 17 1183 1659
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.

Fav 10 3332 1133
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you

Fav 9 2151 776
share tweet
(65): View more from

Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.

Fav 4 843 1292
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.

Fav 10 2283 770
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING

Fav 7 2352 926
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.

Fav 22 1802 1147
share tweet
(787): View more from Puerto Rico

She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.

Fav 39 1219 4544
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed

(787): View more from Puerto Rico

you smoke with your eyes?

Fav 8 2742 1443
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

Fav 34 19332 1853
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun

Fav 18 8116 972
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".

Fav 31 6459 1663
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.

Fav 39 929 3789
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.

Fav 14 4157 1033
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.

Fav 7 2727 1144
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.

Fav 13 3098 1167
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.

Fav 3 3064 1098
share tweet
(+44): View more from England

Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.

Fav 29 1285 4646
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.

Fav 13 2707 1119
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck

Fav 18 3669 1149
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE

Fav 26 5744 936
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME

Fav 5 1645 979
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.

Fav 9 2953 846
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Haha how much did you smoke

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

4 feet of smokeee!

Fav 20 3927 1008
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

Fav 33 10900 1362
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.

Fav 8 1155 2209
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles

Fav 21 1097 3270
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...

Fav 11 2725 874
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises

Fav 4 1948 1202
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate

Fav 7 959 2498
share tweet
(328): View more from

im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?

(1-328): View more from

anal.

Fav 33 6155 1789
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.

Fav 11 1660 1320
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.

Fav 3 846 1353
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.

Fav 13 2716 852
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?

Fav 40 1273 2532
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

Fav 97 4803 10322
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling

Fav 12 4507 1119
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

Fav 8 2691 885
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I swear they were about to hook up!!

(1-240): View more from Maryland

I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.

Fav 5 2127 870
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

Fav 26 4375 1271
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift

Fav 3 1104 1486
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.

Fav 14 2469 1136
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys

(214): View more from Texas

I hope to god you are high

Fav 12 3512 967
share tweet
(310): View more from California

My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius

Fav 7 1944 806
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

Fav 12 3628 1142
share tweet
(707): View more from California

is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

(408): View more from California

your beer goggles are on backwards.

Fav 4 4492 1103
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.

Fav 10 1703 1082
share tweet
(415): View more from California

The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.

Fav 4 1602 910
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.

Fav 26 4064 978
share tweet
(707): View more from California

New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice

Fav 6 900 1450
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.

Fav 15 1068 2065
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!

Fav 23 3174 1153
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?

Fav 7 4269 1077
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.

Fav 27 967 2665
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

Fav 17 10849 1529
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement

Fav 12 5121 1822
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

Fav 40 9633 1773
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore

Fav 14 3137 1295
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I'm jealous

(270): View more from Kentucky

My throat feels like a candle.

Fav 31 8052 1248
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea

Fav 17 1282 3247
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago

Fav 29 5615 1176
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.

Fav 17 1338 2329
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

Fav 11 5240 1102
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

Fav 28 4819 1182
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

Fav 26 5922 1331
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

Fav 30 7400 1216
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

Fav 53 8221 1346
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

(480): View more from Arizona

k i'll be over in 5.

Fav 101 15214 1620
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

(253): View more from Washington

you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

Fav 3 2951 1439
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis

Fav 6 2498 985
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

Fav 7 4899 1153
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.

Fav 14 2252 1163
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.

Fav 10 1189 1870
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.

Fav 3 2241 964
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.

(1-530): View more from California

at least it wasnt animals

Fav 3 1255 1701
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.

Fav 4 2303 839
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.

Fav 4 2144 807
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.

Fav 4 2502 1028
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians

Fav 3 2460 1007
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.

Fav 3 3145 1382
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

Fav 21 7409 2005
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.

Fav 13 3613 1467
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus

Fav 17 3168 1009
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Man I wish I had been there

(314): View more from Missouri

Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.

Fav 11 3055 909
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.

Fav 9 1987 4323
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer

Fav 39 3102 957
share tweet
(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

Fav 7 4815 1359
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.

Fav 10 4341 1345
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

Fav 15 4769 1258
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.

Fav 5 3039 1317
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day

Fav 39 5880 962
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...

Fav 4 2503 952
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like

Fav 19 1219 2241
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.

Fav 6 2243 1305
share tweet