Texts From Last Night · ranchel1735's Favorites

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."

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(502): View more from Kentucky

How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept

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(716): View more from New York

There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Another day, another engagement, another cat

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(440): View more from Ohio

I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy

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(905): View more from Ontario

I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band

(312): View more from Illinois

Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume

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(317): View more from Indiana

No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Do you know how to give stiches?

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

I do not...this text concerns me

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(728): View more from

We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.

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(913): View more from Kansas

This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity

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(951): View more from California

DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4

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(804): View more from Virginia

Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive

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(760): View more from California

No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!

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(002): View more from

There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram

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(513): View more from Ohio

He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.

(224): View more from Illinois

Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.

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(785): View more from Kansas

He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.

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(406): View more from Montana

after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"

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(972): View more from Texas

I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

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(626): View more from California

I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.

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(330): View more from Ohio

At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."

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(941): View more from Florida

I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.

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(206): View more from Washington

It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Almost there.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck

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(214): View more from Texas

I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.

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(208): View more from Idaho

i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week

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(515): View more from Iowa

Why am I always the sober one?

(641): View more from Iowa

Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".

(1-503): View more from Oregon

That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.

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(716): View more from New York

The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them

(256): View more from Alabama

FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT

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(585): View more from New York

Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise

(770): View more from Georgia

Dude our life is a booze cruise

(585): View more from New York

But without boats...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas

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(913): View more from Kansas

He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.

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(217): View more from Illinois

my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever

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(786): View more from Florida

What vodka is american?

(1-786): View more from Florida

Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?

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(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

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(716): View more from New York

this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon

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(785): View more from Kansas

What drink are we having for lunch?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.

(919): View more from North Carolina

...yet.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.

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(206): View more from Washington

Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.

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(253): View more from Washington

I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome

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(360): View more from Washington

The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.

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(518): View more from New York

he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.

(732): View more from New Jersey

do you still have it? i kinda want to see.

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(310): View more from California

I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

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(574): View more from Indiana

No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does

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(518): View more from New York

The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?

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(773): View more from Illinois

I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.

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(760): View more from California

It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die

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(702): View more from Nevada

I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.

(712): View more from Iowa

What's an angry pirate?

(702): View more from Nevada

You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.

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(520): View more from Arizona

U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru

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(626): View more from California

Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.

(1-626): View more from California

This is why you don't have nice things.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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(760): View more from California

She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder

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(212): View more from New York

Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug

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(303): View more from Colorado

im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival

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(208): View more from Idaho

Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.

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(954): View more from Florida

Promise me you won't have sex in my room

(248): View more from Michigan

I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try

(248): View more from Michigan

Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge

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(303): View more from Colorado

Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.

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(618): View more from Illinois

This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.

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(540): View more from Virginia

AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(845): View more from New York

Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So Monday we're lesbians.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"

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(301): View more from Maryland

FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.

(727): View more from Florida

MAS TEQUILA.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(646): View more from New York

HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?

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(905): View more from Ontario

they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.

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(+61): View more from Australia

You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.

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(530): View more from California

No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth

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(614): View more from Ohio

The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.

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(419): View more from Ohio

When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

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(260): View more from Indiana

If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?

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(305): View more from Florida

One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.

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(302): View more from Delaware

His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.

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(407): View more from Florida

And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.

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(650): View more from California

At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe

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(404): View more from Georgia

Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka

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(845): View more from New York

I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game

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(410): View more from Maryland

If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit

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(847): View more from Illinois

Ppl just aren't as funny as we are

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(970): View more from Colorado

i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.

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(224): View more from Illinois

This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.

(309): View more from Illinois

Too low?

(224): View more from Illinois

Yes.

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(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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(248): View more from Michigan

I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

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(517): View more from Michigan

my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?

(467): View more from

I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?

(317): View more from Indiana

Can you ship it to me then?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.

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(757): View more from Virginia

We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.

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(310): View more from California

It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

(415): View more from California

That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

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(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(801): View more from Utah

The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(416): View more from Toronto

I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

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(817): View more from Texas

The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I can feel my liver begging me to stop.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"

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(406): View more from Montana

He makes me want to shower. It must be love.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after

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(903): View more from Texas

I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(703): View more from Virginia

yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy

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(407): View more from Florida

That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism

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(703): View more from Virginia

i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?

(1-703): View more from Virginia

yes

(703): View more from Virginia

... don't judge me

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

seriously i just wanna be friends

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

pass

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(609): View more from New Jersey

ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.

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(513): View more from Ohio

How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??

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(317): View more from Indiana

eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.

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(206): View more from Washington

Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

dollar beers will do that to you.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.

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(260): View more from Indiana

...oh my god that's like anal suicide

(1-260): View more from Indiana

I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight

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(604): View more from British Columbia

In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order

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(620): View more from Kansas

my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts

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(630): View more from Illinois

Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.

(970): View more from Colorado

I am going to be fat forever.

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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(206): View more from Washington

My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..

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(206): View more from Washington

imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.

(206): View more from Washington

Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket

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(602): View more from Arizona

Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day

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