Texts From Last Night · shithappensyo's Favorites

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer

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(409): View more from Texas

so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister

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(626): View more from California

she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song

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(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.

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(903): View more from Texas

I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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(217): View more from Illinois

it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....

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(206): View more from Washington

I think I have vodka in my lungs

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I smell like Captain Morgan and tears

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(443): View more from Maryland

THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions

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(650): View more from California

i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

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(239): View more from Florida

I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking

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(901): View more from Tennessee

If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you

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(416): View more from Toronto

Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...

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(925): View more from California

He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...

(985): View more from Louisiana

wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.

(404): View more from Georgia

Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe

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(540): View more from Virginia

Whore.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was being facetious

(540): View more from Virginia

Don't try to hide behind big words.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"

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(815): View more from Illinois

you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes

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(716): View more from New York

your facebook page is a work of drunk art.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

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(705): View more from Ontario

dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant

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(912): View more from Georgia

I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her

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(248): View more from Michigan

how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this

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(650): View more from California

Is it normal to miss your booty call?

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(970): View more from Colorado

You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by

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(906): View more from Michigan

didnt we say no more talking to eachother

(906): View more from Michigan

it will help you get over me i promise

(414): View more from Wisconsin

im horny

(906): View more from Michigan

ok i will unlock the door

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(440): View more from Ohio

eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(

(1-440): View more from Ohio

just blow him with soup in your mouth.

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(563): View more from Iowa

please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones

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(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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(941): View more from Florida

there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.

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(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

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(631): View more from New York

being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.

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(818): View more from California

lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.

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(989): View more from Michigan

you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin

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(315): View more from New York

I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in

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(913): View more from Kansas

I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me

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(225): View more from Louisiana

True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us

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(205): View more from Alabama

I only kidnapped one of them. chill

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(518): View more from New York

you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was

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(204): View more from Manitoba

The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.

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(408): View more from California

I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.

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(510): View more from California

according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"

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(703): View more from Virginia

the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression

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(801): View more from Utah

Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(614): View more from Ohio

every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.

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(708): View more from Illinois

i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life

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(330): View more from Ohio

He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating

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(443): View more from Maryland

they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them

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(850): View more from Florida

i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

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(310): View more from California

how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.

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(719): View more from Colorado

So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(785): View more from Kansas

if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.

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(540): View more from Virginia

ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

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(213): View more from California

Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.

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(510): View more from California

Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.

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(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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(404): View more from Georgia

you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious

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(630): View more from Illinois

So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong

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(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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(516): View more from New York

Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

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(801): View more from Utah

that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.

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(512): View more from Texas

We need a plan...

(1-512): View more from Texas

Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(219): View more from Indiana

surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on

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(808): View more from Hawaii

You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?

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(905): View more from Ontario

She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up

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(513): View more from Ohio

Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?

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(310): View more from California

I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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(516): View more from New York

I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

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(313): View more from Michigan

while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(512): View more from Texas

You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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(937): View more from Ohio

love makes seman taste better

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single

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(252): View more from North Carolina

This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.

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(415): View more from California

How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome

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(310): View more from California

I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Thanks for last night it was amazing as always

(703): View more from Virginia

What are you talking about

(240): View more from Maryland

You've got to be kidding me

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(615): View more from Tennessee

my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good

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(916): View more from California

and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse

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(818): View more from California

she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Do ugly people know they are ugly?

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

The quiet ones do.

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(904): View more from Florida

I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.

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