Texts From Last Night · spek10's Favorites

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spek10's Favorites Texts:

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(256): View more from Alabama

Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out

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(206): View more from Washington

The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up

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(619): View more from California

Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?

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(619): View more from California

I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left

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(540): View more from Virginia

I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.

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(619): View more from California

When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter

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(970): View more from Colorado

I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.

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(585): View more from New York

It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs

(603): View more from New Hampshire

I accepted the offer

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(509): View more from Washington

I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.

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(714): View more from California

I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.

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(760): View more from California

dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.

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(317): View more from Indiana

If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.

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(410): View more from Maryland

For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die

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(801): View more from Utah

My dick looks like crazy bread

(480): View more from Arizona

pics are now mandatory

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(936): View more from Texas

We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.

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(716): View more from New York

Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at

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(816): View more from Missouri

Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.

(913): View more from Kansas

Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.

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(415): View more from California

Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with

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(801): View more from Utah

If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.

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(713): View more from Texas

Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?

(1-713): View more from Texas

Yes I do

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(817): View more from Texas

Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard

(1-817): View more from Texas

Pass or fail tho

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(248): View more from Michigan

The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks

(248): View more from Michigan

Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down

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(515): View more from Iowa

We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place

(1-515): View more from Iowa

I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck

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(903): View more from Texas

Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.

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(801): View more from Utah

Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

I didn't get it..

(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm sorry. But to the original question please.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.

(503): View more from Oregon

I'm on the job.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.

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(310): View more from California

Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year

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(705): View more from Ontario

He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.

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(386): View more from Florida

How was the party last night?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.

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(312): View more from Illinois

My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.

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(812): View more from Indiana

He said he wanted to "superfuck" me

(678): View more from Georgia

Does he wear a cape??

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(312): View more from Illinois

When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one

(847): View more from Illinois

I had a salad today

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies

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(303): View more from Colorado

Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.

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(720): View more from Colorado

The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.

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(404): View more from Georgia

If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"

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(314): View more from Missouri

Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...

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(310): View more from California

What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.

(443): View more from Maryland

*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for

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(206): View more from Washington

Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.

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(619): View more from California

Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...

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(954): View more from Florida

I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.

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(619): View more from California

I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup

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(619): View more from California

Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He would drink pee if it was in a beer can

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(540): View more from Virginia

We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."

(301): View more from Maryland

That wasn't a compliment.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.

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(916): View more from California

I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"

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(773): View more from Illinois

He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.

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(619): View more from California

No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.

(1+61): View more from

Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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(947): View more from Michigan

He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me

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(916): View more from California

Yep. How's your hangover?

(1-916): View more from California

It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.

(1248): View more from

That'll put some boobs in that bra.

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(818): View more from California

No...this little piggys going to the bar

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(804): View more from Virginia

Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive

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(831): View more from California

I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.

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(905): View more from Ontario

His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.

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(972): View more from Texas

I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"

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(310): View more from California

I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.

(1-310): View more from California

You're sick. Take pictures if you can.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"

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(209): View more from California

I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm pregnant.

(1-407): View more from Florida

The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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(314): View more from Missouri

Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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(817): View more from Texas

Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

(214): View more from Texas

I still make more money.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable

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(406): View more from Montana

I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(517): View more from Michigan

First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.

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(714): View more from California

A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.

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(631): View more from New York

Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did she buy you pizza?

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(661): View more from California

Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.

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(718): View more from New York

Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

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(316): View more from Kansas

Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night

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(817): View more from Texas

i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago

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(812): View more from Indiana

Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.

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(773): View more from Illinois

That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

(804): View more from Virginia

It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.

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(802): View more from Vermont

stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes

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(307): View more from Wyoming

this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.

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(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though

(289): View more from Ontario

Lolll I'll be sleeping

(905): View more from Ontario

I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.

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(213): View more from California

Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.

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(818): View more from California

Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.

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(619): View more from California

I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.

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(360): View more from Washington

it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

(206): View more from Washington

and semen

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.

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(619): View more from California

Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

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(510): View more from California

Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

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(770): View more from Georgia

At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.

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(705): View more from Ontario

i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away

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(317): View more from Indiana

Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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(928): View more from Arizona

She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.

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(903): View more from Texas

One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.

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(937): View more from Ohio

She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997

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(207): View more from Maine

Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(514): View more from Quebec

His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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(386): View more from Florida

The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance

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(210): View more from Texas

Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight

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(757): View more from Virginia

Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

(201): View more from New Jersey

hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(240): View more from Maryland

He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

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(818): View more from California

Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...

(615): View more from Tennessee

Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(850): View more from Florida

Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

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(845): View more from New York

its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(925): View more from California

I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(440): View more from Ohio

Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(204): View more from Manitoba

He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.

(919): View more from North Carolina

Colt 45 out of anything is classy.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.

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(517): View more from Michigan

the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"

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(812): View more from Indiana

A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.

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(619): View more from California

well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen

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(940): View more from Texas

Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(310): View more from California

Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho

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(256): View more from Alabama

we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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(801): View more from Utah

I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(904): View more from Florida

youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb

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(216): View more from Ohio

The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(229): View more from Georgia

College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant

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(860): View more from Connecticut

just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(440): View more from Ohio

he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously

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(319): View more from Iowa

In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

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(512): View more from Texas

everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf

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(804): View more from Virginia

dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck

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(301): View more from Maryland

Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.

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(516): View more from New York

I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love

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(310): View more from California

He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(518): View more from New York

He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"

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(769): View more from Mississippi

she said she likes her vagina punished

(1-769): View more from Mississippi

being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

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(575): View more from New Mexico

She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.

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(786): View more from Florida

Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic

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(901): View more from Tennessee

guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?

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(586): View more from Michigan

Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app

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(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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(562): View more from California

she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.

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(630): View more from Illinois

So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.

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(917): View more from New York City

Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.

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(516): View more from New York

Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.

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(917): View more from New York City

i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.

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(678): View more from Georgia

We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.

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(315): View more from New York

He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

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(706): View more from Georgia

dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...

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(916): View more from California

The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.

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(614): View more from Ohio

her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny

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(208): View more from Idaho

dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

(1-208): View more from Idaho

what the hell does that mean?

(208): View more from Idaho

nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(734): View more from Michigan

I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted

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(253): View more from Washington

Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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