Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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