Texts From Last Night · Pancakefield's Favorites

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Pancakefield's Favorites Texts:

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(619): View more from California

I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.

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(212): View more from New York

You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

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(208): View more from Idaho

He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.

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(845): View more from New York

Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

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(530): View more from California

Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.

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(419): View more from Ohio

They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.

(507): View more from Minnesota

she is a standing ovation.

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(979): View more from Texas

if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(631): View more from New York

guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple

(1-631): View more from New York

whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?

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(224): View more from Illinois

I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(207): View more from Maine

can u get pink eye on your cock?

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(519): View more from Ontario

she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

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(305): View more from Florida

Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.

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(650): View more from California

Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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(628): View more from California

That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.

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(516): View more from New York

I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

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(226): View more from Ontario

forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

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(440): View more from Ohio

it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.

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(713): View more from Texas

he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(248): View more from Michigan

The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(850): View more from Florida

that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(614): View more from Ohio

John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses

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(716): View more from New York

... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.

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(214): View more from Texas

Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?

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(903): View more from Texas

I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone

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(+61): View more from Australia

He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.

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(831): View more from California

I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.

(1-831): View more from California

Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable

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(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread

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(862): View more from New Jersey

i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge

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(817): View more from Texas

is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(503): View more from Oregon

Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.

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(917): View more from New York City

I cockslap morals

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(615): View more from Tennessee

drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"

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(515): View more from Iowa

If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Houston, we have a squirter

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(937): View more from Ohio

That's science, my friend. Boner science.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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(386): View more from Florida

its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

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(850): View more from Florida

Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?

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(815): View more from Illinois

She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.

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(916): View more from California

The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

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(914): View more from New York

my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip

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(650): View more from California

dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.

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(619): View more from California

It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!

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(714): View more from California

we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg

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(646): View more from New York

I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm going to rape someone's good day.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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(520): View more from Arizona

remember, YOU ARE A WINNER

(410): View more from Maryland

my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...

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(850): View more from Florida

You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.

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(301): View more from Maryland

he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.

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(805): View more from California

Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

She bit a glass in half.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(425): View more from Washington

You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(253): View more from Washington

Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.

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(757): View more from Virginia

if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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