Texts From Last Night · Ri99le's Favorites

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Ri99le's Favorites Texts:

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.

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(239): View more from Florida

I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night

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(323): View more from California

Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.

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(559): View more from California

Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.

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(880): View more from

tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness

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(207): View more from Maine

Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.

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(818): View more from California

Tell me how you feel about belly buttons

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(804): View more from Virginia

We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Did you win?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling

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(419): View more from Ohio

Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy

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(209): View more from California

Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna

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(218): View more from Minnesota

We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits

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(303): View more from Colorado

We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.

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(650): View more from California

We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.

(650): View more from California

And so far nothing been broken!

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(714): View more from California

Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?

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(951): View more from California

Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.

(1-951): View more from California

I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!

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(619): View more from California

But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here

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(773): View more from Illinois

i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter

(1-773): View more from Illinois

re read what you just said

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(574): View more from Indiana

he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog

(1-574): View more from Indiana

knight in shining armor

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(716): View more from New York

So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

(1-716): View more from New York

Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker

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(281): View more from Texas

Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.

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(530): View more from California

Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark

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(817): View more from Texas

You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake

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(+61): View more from Australia

I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles

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(773): View more from Illinois

my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again

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(917): View more from New York City

She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone

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(850): View more from Florida

A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?

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(561): View more from Florida

Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?

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(206): View more from Washington

Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA

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(949): View more from California

Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite

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(804): View more from Virginia

I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.

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(801): View more from Utah

I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

omg mom no

(504): View more from Louisiana

It's so blood brotha crip what be good

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I learned so much about myself in that shower.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep

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(314): View more from Missouri

How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.

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(626): View more from California

My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here

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(607): View more from New York

Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.

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(407): View more from Florida

SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE

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(206): View more from Washington

So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion

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(703): View more from Virginia

Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.

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(352): View more from Florida

Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha

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(213): View more from California

Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...

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(562): View more from California

We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable

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(406): View more from Montana

There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland

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(435): View more from Utah

Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Did you watch the carolina game tonight?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed

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(614): View more from Ohio

I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun

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(563): View more from Iowa

This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.

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(940): View more from Texas

I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.

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(240): View more from Maryland

the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm driving while wearing hulk hands

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(434): View more from Virginia

You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.

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(970): View more from Colorado

He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."

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(505): View more from New Mexico

pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.

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(567): View more from Ohio

Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good

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(614): View more from Ohio

Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist

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(320): View more from Minnesota

So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?

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(734): View more from Michigan

nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I feel like a color. Like a wavy color

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.

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(619): View more from California

I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands

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(315): View more from New York

What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?

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(904): View more from Florida

She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.

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(440): View more from Ohio

no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I think we need to teach you what straight means again

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(517): View more from Michigan

Here's my first problem: I'm drunk

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(240): View more from Maryland

okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We left the knife in your bed.

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(+49): View more from Germany

In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?

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(562): View more from California

Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.

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(310): View more from California

Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship

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(760): View more from California

I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.

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(954): View more from Florida

You pretty much isn't said it

(404): View more from Georgia

Those words don't go together.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried

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(937): View more from Ohio

I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck

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(727): View more from Florida

My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."

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(252): View more from North Carolina

We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)

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(828): View more from North Carolina

HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.

(336): View more from North Carolina

TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT

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(732): View more from New Jersey

FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.

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(607): View more from New York

I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now

(315): View more from New York

I see you're taking unemployment seriously.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"

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(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first

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(914): View more from New York

He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

We're going to catch a squirrel this summer

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Slow dancing with the chandelier.

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(530): View more from California

That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.

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(661): View more from California

ive cried into many a lonely burritos..

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(972): View more from Texas

I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right

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(916): View more from California

Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties

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(406): View more from Montana

All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.

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(573): View more from Missouri

So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40

(417): View more from Missouri

I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers

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(616): View more from Michigan

Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"

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(517): View more from Michigan

I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.

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(734): View more from Michigan

WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.

(844): View more from

Oh its going to be that type of weekend?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab

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(425): View more from Washington

Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

How external is "for external use only"?

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(602): View more from Arizona

I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth

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(310): View more from California

I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...

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(720): View more from Colorado

I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...

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(775): View more from Nevada

The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"

(1-775): View more from Nevada

At least you got your shooes

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(775): View more from Nevada

True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

That was beautiful.

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(480): View more from Arizona

there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends

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(224): View more from Illinois

My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.

(312): View more from Illinois

Elaborate

(224): View more from Illinois

Strip Mario-Kart

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(360): View more from Washington

You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.

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(802): View more from Vermont

You want anything?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Gatorade and you naked.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(949): View more from California

youre so sexy i want your bod

(410): View more from Maryland

dude, did you turn gay?

(949): View more from California

heather?

(410): View more from Maryland

this is jacob

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(805): View more from California

i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party

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(310): View more from California

OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?

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(719): View more from Colorado

the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.

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(330): View more from Ohio

It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night

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(614): View more from Ohio

stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.

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(514): View more from Quebec

the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon

(514): View more from Quebec

what does alcohol mean

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(318): View more from Louisiana

You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.

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(260): View more from Indiana

He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF

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(310): View more from California

I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.

(1-310): View more from California

Make one for john too.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I stole a fireplace last night.

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(727): View more from Florida

Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?

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(253): View more from Washington

There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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(917): View more from New York City

Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.

(250): View more from British Columbia

A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.

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(518): View more from New York

Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.

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(360): View more from Washington

you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.

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(425): View more from Washington

He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that

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(503): View more from Oregon

Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom

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(505): View more from New Mexico

see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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(513): View more from Ohio

chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.

(513): View more from Ohio

Who are you high with right now?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Let's just rave with boners that last for hours

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(319): View more from Iowa

Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.

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(802): View more from Vermont

He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch

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(720): View more from Colorado

I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

You sound pretty unsure about all of this.

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(417): View more from Missouri

So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

(1-471): View more from

That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.

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(425): View more from Washington

ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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(916): View more from California

Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.

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(714): View more from California

Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement

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(505): View more from New Mexico

But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman

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(442): View more from California

While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(602): View more from Arizona

She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically

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(575): View more from New Mexico

is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

As shirtless as possible

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