Texts From Last Night · Swissman1023's Favorites

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Swissman1023's Favorites Texts:

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(646): View more from New York

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(336): View more from North Carolina

We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her

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(817): View more from Texas

You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(530): View more from California

you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am

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(901): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(860): View more from Connecticut

there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(314): View more from Missouri

I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(740): View more from Ohio

it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second

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(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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(214): View more from Texas

new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

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(845): View more from New York

I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

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(858): View more from California

this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(623): View more from Arizona

His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?

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(330): View more from Ohio

When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...

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(661): View more from California

I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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(503): View more from Oregon

today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.

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(417): View more from Missouri

And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

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(917): View more from New York City

giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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(435): View more from Utah

I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.

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(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere

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(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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(510): View more from California

You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying

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(304): View more from West Virginia

please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker

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(301): View more from Maryland

woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.

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(631): View more from New York

our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college

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(917): View more from New York City

It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded

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(416): View more from Ontario

when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.

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(305): View more from Florida

Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.

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(636): View more from Missouri

we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"

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(210): View more from Texas

By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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(334): View more from Alabama

you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?

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(317): View more from Indiana

just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.

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(514): View more from Quebec

take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?

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(757): View more from Virginia

It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.

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(903): View more from Texas

her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would be honored to be that friend.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.

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(415): View more from California

some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.

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(310): View more from California

Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie

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(775): View more from Nevada

A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.

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(757): View more from Virginia

if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.

(631): View more from New York

Samesies

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(402): View more from Nebraska

So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?

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(917): View more from New York City

I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(281): View more from Texas

People with herpes should wear stickers.

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

at least i was looking out for everybody

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(708): View more from Illinois

his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

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(410): View more from Maryland

operation have a gay friend backfired

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(240): View more from Maryland

9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook

(301): View more from Maryland

it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.

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(714): View more from California

Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?

(518): View more from New York

No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in

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(801): View more from Utah

Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(216): View more from Ohio

thus making me awesome and them whores

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(917): View more from New York City

you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...

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(940): View more from Texas

there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.

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(909): View more from California

Would you still love me if I had no teeth

(1-909): View more from California

Yeah why?

(909): View more from California

Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone

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(949): View more from California

if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous

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(813): View more from Florida

I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.

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(314): View more from Missouri

96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks

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(812): View more from Indiana

They have edible shot glasses at target.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

There really is a God.

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(757): View more from Virginia

now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely

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(636): View more from Missouri

tequila makes her clothes fall off

(512): View more from Texas

wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time

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(705): View more from Ontario

Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

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(817): View more from Texas

You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant

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(804): View more from Virginia

i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry

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(573): View more from Missouri

Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined

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(204): View more from Manitoba

between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

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(914): View more from New York

is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'

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(541): View more from Oregon

dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

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(607): View more from New York

i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.

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(806): View more from Texas

and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(631): View more from New York

You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu

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(443): View more from Maryland

He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(305): View more from Florida

Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...

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(305): View more from Florida

You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.

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(214): View more from Texas

I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.

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