Texts From Last Night · azcheka45's Favorites

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(512): View more from Texas

My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house

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(365): View more from

Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine

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(309): View more from Illinois

ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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(727): View more from Florida

i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(501): View more from Arkansas

At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.

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(301): View more from Maryland

It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Have you been tested recently?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune

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(256): View more from Alabama

dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(360): View more from Washington

super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(720): View more from Colorado

At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course

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(516): View more from New York

is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?

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(928): View more from Arizona

Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!

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(313): View more from Michigan

Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?

(734): View more from Michigan

She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can get orange kush...

(586): View more from Michigan

GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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(951): View more from California

My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

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(740): View more from Ohio

While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(518): View more from New York

Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

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(330): View more from Ohio

well you can't waste a boner

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(225): View more from Louisiana

True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(607): View more from New York

Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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(214): View more from Texas

you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(206): View more from Washington

weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions

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(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water

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(719): View more from Colorado

Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.

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(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

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(360): View more from Washington

there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.

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(214): View more from Texas

your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

(1-214): View more from Texas

we're not divorced.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I tried to use my car keys to open my door

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

I just started a sentence with yellow.

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(713): View more from Texas

counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont even know how to be here

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(703): View more from Virginia

im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one

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(419): View more from Ohio

vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

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(914): View more from New York

I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed

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(289): View more from Ontario

I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.

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(469): View more from Texas

Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick

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(210): View more from Texas

happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

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(909): View more from California

You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"

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(914): View more from New York

Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.

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(727): View more from Florida

just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(210): View more from Texas

ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!

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(425): View more from Washington

Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(563): View more from Iowa

I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck the hobbit

(301): View more from Maryland

what about unicorns?

(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck those pointy horses

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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(678): View more from Georgia

How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?

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(315): View more from New York

You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(734): View more from Michigan

wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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(775): View more from Nevada

What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

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(805): View more from California

In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career

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(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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(214): View more from Texas

Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????

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(937): View more from Ohio

he is a creepy guy.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

yea thats what heroine does to ppl.

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(702): View more from Nevada

did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???

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(312): View more from Illinois

I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm

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(760): View more from California

I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.

(919): View more from North Carolina

Colt 45 out of anything is classy.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.

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(323): View more from California

Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!

(206): View more from Washington

Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...

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(847): View more from Illinois

garbage

(248): View more from Michigan

garbage dick

(847): View more from Illinois

rubbish cock

(248): View more from Michigan

you win

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(614): View more from Ohio

how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

that girl last night was a 15

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

wait she was 15?

(413): View more from Massachusetts

no like black jack not sure if you should hit it

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(845): View more from New York

Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.

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(614): View more from Ohio

just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(530): View more from California

smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers

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(419): View more from Ohio

Bisexual people are plain selfish.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(914): View more from New York

im gay

(203): View more from Connecticut

i know

(914): View more from New York

yea but for you.

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(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm laying in your front yard are you home

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(650): View more from California

barbara walters just said penis...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea

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(856): View more from New Jersey

you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb

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(801): View more from Utah

I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

(1-801): View more from Utah

We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

(801): View more from Utah

I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

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(773): View more from Illinois

hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(646): View more from New York

We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday

(1-646): View more from New York

mom would be proud

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(661): View more from California

Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds

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(239): View more from Florida

it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(520): View more from Arizona

she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"

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(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

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(253): View more from Washington

Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.

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(815): View more from Illinois

man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed

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(810): View more from Michigan

This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle

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(303): View more from Colorado

At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours

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(647): View more from Ontario

fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack

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(716): View more from New York

My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

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(513): View more from Ohio

you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.

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(478): View more from Georgia

I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell

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(810): View more from Michigan

Adam has been drinking

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Who has his phone

(810): View more from Michigan

Adam does

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(336): View more from North Carolina

16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay

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(386): View more from Florida

i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(404): View more from Georgia

its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"

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(214): View more from Texas

i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

(1-214): View more from Texas

oh fuck your right

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod

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(541): View more from Oregon

Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.

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(721): View more from

That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.

(703): View more from Virginia

omg, i know.

(721): View more from

we're too high.

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(518): View more from New York

we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.

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(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed

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