Texts From Last Night · jadedpill's Favorites

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jadedpill's Favorites Texts:

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(616): View more from Michigan

The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.

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(404): View more from Georgia

like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.

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(314): View more from Missouri

who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?

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(518): View more from New York

hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river

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(314): View more from Missouri

The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

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(775): View more from Nevada

Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls

(702): View more from Nevada

Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no. 1 rule of bromania: no females

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.

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(425): View more from Washington

I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.

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(845): View more from New York

There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.

(845): View more from New York

Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.

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(623): View more from Arizona

its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..

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(708): View more from Illinois

we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(248): View more from Michigan

On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...

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(607): View more from New York

I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.

(919): View more from North Carolina

All she wanted was a cigarette

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?

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(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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(850): View more from Florida

If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.

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(903): View more from Texas

We talked him into tasing himself.

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(587): View more from Alberta

The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.

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(573): View more from Missouri

the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.

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(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.

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(937): View more from Ohio

And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(716): View more from New York

He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.

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(785): View more from Kansas

for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.

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(530): View more from California

It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.

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(802): View more from Vermont

It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices

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(909): View more from California

i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(785): View more from Kansas

You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...

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(614): View more from Ohio

I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.

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(523): View more from

Hey did where's my bong?

(1-523): View more from

In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right

(523): View more from

Should I bother to ask?

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(904): View more from Florida

This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): View more from Maryland

do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(313): View more from Michigan

At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?

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(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??

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(706): View more from Georgia

In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

and then he started using my ass as a stressball

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

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(314): View more from Missouri

Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours

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(816): View more from Missouri

Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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(614): View more from Ohio

THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK

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(410): View more from Maryland

i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed

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(937): View more from Ohio

Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal

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(516): View more from New York

This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.

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(562): View more from California

I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.

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(614): View more from Ohio

just got booed by the entire restaurant.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(404): View more from Georgia

considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress

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(440): View more from Ohio

Hippo gnu deer

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(828): View more from North Carolina

my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(512): View more from Texas

We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.

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(520): View more from Arizona

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

(415): View more from California

shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.

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(914): View more from New York

Drunk. I slept-stripped.

(914): View more from New York

By myself.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.

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(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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(775): View more from Nevada

I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.

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(425): View more from Washington

she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(716): View more from New York

So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.

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(970): View more from Colorado

At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name

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(+30): View more from

Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi

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(760): View more from California

Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty

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(810): View more from Michigan

I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

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(415): View more from California

Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted

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(301): View more from Maryland

It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

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(214): View more from Texas

I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine

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(303): View more from Colorado

we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

(720): View more from Colorado

cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(519): View more from Ontario

DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

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(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.

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(512): View more from Texas

So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

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(541): View more from Oregon

I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.

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(917): View more from New York City

Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

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(303): View more from Colorado

there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.

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(646): View more from New York

He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no pressure.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.

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(903): View more from Texas

He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.

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(540): View more from Virginia

we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(216): View more from Ohio

ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.

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(850): View more from Florida

I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity

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(905): View more from Ontario

the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.

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(636): View more from Missouri

The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.

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(256): View more from Alabama

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!

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(303): View more from Colorado

She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me

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(315): View more from New York

We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.

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(804): View more from Virginia

My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.

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(226): View more from Ontario

Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again

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(386): View more from Florida

Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

This is why we're friends.

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(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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(740): View more from Ohio

How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

(1-740): View more from Ohio

2.5

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(903): View more from Texas

I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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(703): View more from Virginia

She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(661): View more from California

So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

(818): View more from California

I hate you.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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(216): View more from Ohio

6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.

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(713): View more from Texas

After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's never allowed to turn 21 again

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(906): View more from Michigan

Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?

(1-906): View more from Michigan

It's okay.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Totally get that.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"

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(251): View more from Alabama

You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.

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(647): View more from Ontario

there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.

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(754): View more from Florida

I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.

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(480): View more from Arizona

There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Wow. Its not even 11am.

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(917): View more from New York City

well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(509): View more from Washington

My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

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(740): View more from Ohio

he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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(503): View more from Oregon

And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....

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(512): View more from Texas

Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

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(585): View more from New York

The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..

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(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(276): View more from Virginia

I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem

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(240): View more from Maryland

He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

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(817): View more from Texas

she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.

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(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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(203): View more from Connecticut

And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing

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(303): View more from Colorado

and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster

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(905): View more from Ontario

She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.

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