Texts From Last Night · joe_jr_shabadoo's Favorites

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joe_jr_shabadoo's Favorites Texts:

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(231): View more from Michigan

A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.

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(917): View more from New York City

It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."

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(434): View more from Virginia

A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.

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(269): View more from Michigan

quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music

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(765): View more from Indiana

You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"

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(801): View more from Utah

stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you

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(614): View more from Ohio

He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.

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(516): View more from New York

He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I think there was chlamydia in those woods.

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(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator

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(630): View more from Illinois

you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka

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(713): View more from Texas

I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.

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(619): View more from California

yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation

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(812): View more from Indiana

theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.

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(208): View more from Idaho

the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that

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(541): View more from Oregon

I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy

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(440): View more from Ohio

WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!

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(847): View more from Illinois

then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started

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(785): View more from Kansas

The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am

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(712): View more from Iowa

Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.

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(937): View more from Ohio

She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.

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(513): View more from Ohio

How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE

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(801): View more from Utah

This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.

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(458): View more from Oregon

I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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(212): View more from New York

it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order

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(415): View more from California

She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.

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(310): View more from California

Obama is so hot when he ends wars.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well

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(407): View more from Florida

Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

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(214): View more from Texas

Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.

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(212): View more from New York

the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

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(503): View more from Oregon

Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.

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(519): View more from Ontario

It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.

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(770): View more from Georgia

How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now

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(573): View more from Missouri

They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(443): View more from Maryland

the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.

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(207): View more from Maine

She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."

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(310): View more from California

I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.

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(206): View more from Washington

My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight

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(305): View more from Florida

she said she was living bicuriously through me.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me

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(303): View more from Colorado

she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(209): View more from California

he laminated a picture of his dick.

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(281): View more from Texas

Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal

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(416): View more from Toronto

He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ

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(308): View more from Nebraska

You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.

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(317): View more from Indiana

She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean

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(251): View more from Alabama

Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?

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(347): View more from New York

triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he confused my yawn for an orgasm

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(409): View more from Texas

Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company

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(206): View more from Washington

I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"

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(323): View more from California

Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.

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(562): View more from California

I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go

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(894): View more from

just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

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(979): View more from Texas

I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(248): View more from Michigan

I slept with him to see his dog one last time

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(250): View more from British Columbia

But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong

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(843): View more from South Carolina

We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again

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(406): View more from Montana

I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense

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(712): View more from Iowa

Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.

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(845): View more from New York

we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'

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(801): View more from Utah

He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.

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(805): View more from California

WHY are the edges of my bra charred???

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you

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(208): View more from Idaho

She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"

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(416): View more from Toronto

Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy

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joe_jr_shabadoo's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

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