Texts From Last Night · kuehl82's Favorites

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kuehl82's Favorites Texts:

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.

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(626): View more from California

I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner

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(512): View more from Texas

Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(514): View more from Quebec

she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up

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(216): View more from Ohio

another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.

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(206): View more from Washington

she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(541): View more from Oregon

Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding

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(206): View more from Washington

She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.

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(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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(+84): View more from

The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.

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(407): View more from Florida

Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.

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(626): View more from California

You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin

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(480): View more from Arizona

It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.

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(406): View more from Montana

she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

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(319): View more from Iowa

i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself

(612): View more from Minnesota

It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...

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(801): View more from Utah

im getting coffee to go get coffee.

(435): View more from Utah

Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up

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(502): View more from Kentucky

we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying

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(239): View more from Florida

dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.

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(607): View more from New York

I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.

(651): View more from Minnesota

again?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes

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(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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(785): View more from Kansas

you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it

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(805): View more from California

I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Thanks, mom.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

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(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

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(713): View more from Texas

Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

bloody. ill be home soon.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..

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(713): View more from Texas

Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'

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(859): View more from Kentucky

do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?

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(312): View more from Illinois

The maid of honor just puked.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?

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(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(901): View more from Tennessee

pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

no

(901): View more from Tennessee

the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table

(901): View more from Tennessee

im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(815): View more from Illinois

yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.

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(647): View more from Ontario

It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.

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(813): View more from Florida

Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa

(708): View more from Illinois

Oh Jesus.

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(361): View more from Texas

I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

yo i have your phone

(202): View more from Washington, DC

... oh so you probably won't get this message

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

You got my ass fired just for knowing you

(479): View more from Arkansas

thanks for the bacon

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(209): View more from California

You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"

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(707): View more from California

And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document

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(631): View more from New York

meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.

(516): View more from New York

wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!

(631): View more from New York

aww shit wrong text.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...

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(410): View more from Maryland

She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee

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(301): View more from Maryland

Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?

(760): View more from California

You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.

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(941): View more from Florida

sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(620): View more from Kansas

You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"

(1-205): View more from Alabama

if you ask that question again our friendship is over

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.

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(513): View more from Ohio

it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.

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(530): View more from California

You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

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(770): View more from Georgia

She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just cut my nipple shaving

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(302): View more from Delaware

I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate

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(803): View more from South Carolina

you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.

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(305): View more from Florida

Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how was last night?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(718): View more from New York

The gym has a pool

(914): View more from New York

my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?

(312): View more from Illinois

I get to be your mom.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

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(954): View more from Florida

Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i am way too old to be getting fingered at work

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times

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(619): View more from California

We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"

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(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(631): View more from New York

You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him

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(240): View more from Maryland

so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend

(301): View more from Maryland

1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps

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(815): View more from Illinois

Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.

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(713): View more from Texas

Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk

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(571): View more from Virginia

the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night

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(240): View more from Maryland

Thanks for last night it was amazing as always

(703): View more from Virginia

What are you talking about

(240): View more from Maryland

You've got to be kidding me

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(770): View more from Georgia

Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex

(404): View more from Georgia

Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut

(770): View more from Georgia

Fuck. Wron person. But yea

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.

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(317): View more from Indiana

she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs

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(845): View more from New York

you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.

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(646): View more from New York

ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!

(812): View more from Indiana

?

(646): View more from New York

Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(631): View more from New York

You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.

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(562): View more from California

The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!

(916): View more from California

Awkward!

(562): View more from California

No he was cute and I said yes!

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(952): View more from Minnesota

pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?

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(519): View more from Ontario

We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(773): View more from Illinois

Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"

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(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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(408): View more from California

we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn

(952): View more from Minnesota

what?

(612): View more from Minnesota

i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

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(903): View more from Texas

The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.

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(315): View more from New York

he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out

(607): View more from New York

what a beautiful fairy tale

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.

(1-216): View more from Ohio

It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.

(216): View more from Ohio

He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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(760): View more from California

What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?

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(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

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(815): View more from Illinois

sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?

(651): View more from Minnesota

That's yours. We cut you off.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

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(845): View more from New York

you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?

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(713): View more from Texas

Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.

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(443): View more from Maryland

this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear

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(417): View more from Missouri

Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...

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(289): View more from Ontario

eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.

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(804): View more from Virginia

He likes Jesus. Game over.

(804): View more from Virginia

Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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(612): View more from Minnesota

so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..

(507): View more from Minnesota

god i miss watching you do this...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.

(612): View more from Minnesota

only room for one pussy in that bed.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing

(612): View more from Minnesota

could be more

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

absolutely not

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I want your puppy

(507): View more from Minnesota

I meant pussy

(612): View more from Minnesota

I would rather you take my puppy

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

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(818): View more from California

It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.

(1-818): View more from California

And this was for your brother's Christening?

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(301): View more from Maryland

We're doing a case race on Saturday.

(302): View more from Delaware

I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"

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(585): View more from New York

The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

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(509): View more from Washington

They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

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(417): View more from Missouri

You totally left a blue butt print on our banister

(573): View more from Missouri

Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.

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