Texts From Last Night · magaritaville's Favorites

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(253): View more from Washington

I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax

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(425): View more from Washington

You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.

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(616): View more from Michigan

youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.

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(909): View more from California

So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I guess, just don't make it awkward

(603): View more from New Hampshire

MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY

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(205): View more from Alabama

So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?

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(415): View more from California

I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.

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(503): View more from Oregon

That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO

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(407): View more from Florida

work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience

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(310): View more from California

OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?

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(419): View more from Ohio

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?

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(231): View more from Michigan

I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???

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(248): View more from Michigan

Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

FUCK YOU MAN

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(812): View more from Indiana

Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

...the American dream.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february

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(908): View more from New Jersey

No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot

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(818): View more from California

well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning

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(971): View more from Oregon

Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?

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(314): View more from Missouri

great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter

(1-314): View more from Missouri

at least I said it was good

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(256): View more from Alabama

I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.

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(914): View more from New York

The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you

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(516): View more from New York

theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"

(414): View more from Wisconsin

I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea

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(707): View more from California

Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.

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(310): View more from California

So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?

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(954): View more from Florida

so i told him i still liked him. he laughed

(1-954): View more from Florida

well, your crazy. what did you expect?

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(941): View more from Florida

He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time

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(650): View more from California

in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",

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(314): View more from Missouri

i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit

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(440): View more from Ohio

i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately

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(256): View more from Alabama

Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.

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(903): View more from Texas

I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...

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(360): View more from Washington

You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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(714): View more from California

im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.

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(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck

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(602): View more from Arizona

She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.

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(248): View more from Michigan

im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore

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(260): View more from Indiana

You told him you loved him!?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.

(648): View more from

100%

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(443): View more from Maryland

THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(503): View more from Oregon

You'll be proud of me

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Who did you not have sex with

(503): View more from Oregon

Damn it...you know me too well

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!

(706): View more from Georgia

Oh yeah.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?

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(619): View more from California

I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.

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(607): View more from New York

He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(626): View more from California

Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...

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(256): View more from Alabama

He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time

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(269): View more from Michigan

he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Going to get a "plan B"urrito

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.

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(971): View more from Oregon

:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"

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(816): View more from Missouri

I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??

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(845): View more from New York

i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.

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(406): View more from Montana

And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.

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(301): View more from Maryland

My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup

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(989): View more from Michigan

did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know

(1-989): View more from Michigan

no

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.

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(713): View more from Texas

OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?

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(616): View more from Michigan

You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.

(248): View more from Michigan

no

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(703): View more from Virginia

so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted

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(503): View more from Oregon

i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

(360): View more from Washington

let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

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(312): View more from Illinois

he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl

(313): View more from Michigan

you mean his girlfriend

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(762): View more from Georgia

Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.

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(815): View more from Illinois

His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.

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(408): View more from California

Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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(713): View more from Texas

I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?

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(530): View more from California

Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.

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(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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(315): View more from New York

i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them

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(509): View more from Washington

The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I want to snug with you.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You want my snuggie?

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(503): View more from Oregon

Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.

(360): View more from Washington

I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.

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(636): View more from Missouri

At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"

(314): View more from Missouri

You fucking left with him didn't you?!

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions

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(937): View more from Ohio

how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?

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(248): View more from Michigan

My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks

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(410): View more from Maryland

She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.

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(813): View more from Florida

he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"

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(810): View more from Michigan

so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy

(734): View more from Michigan

what about the blowjobs for adderall?

(810): View more from Michigan

no those are still okay

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(618): View more from Illinois

This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?

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(561): View more from Florida

Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing

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(352): View more from Florida

You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt

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(352): View more from Florida

New low: just hacked my moms facebook

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.

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(716): View more from New York

i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.

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(951): View more from California

My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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(848): View more from New Jersey

it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

You don't understand. I'm not like you.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.

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(317): View more from Indiana

so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you

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(313): View more from Michigan

I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..

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(713): View more from Texas

I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic

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(954): View more from Florida

I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

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(949): View more from California

is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis

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(708): View more from Illinois

We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.

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(205): View more from Alabama

he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?

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(562): View more from California

It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal

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(217): View more from Illinois

he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids

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(317): View more from Indiana

So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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(410): View more from Maryland

You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.

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(303): View more from Colorado

those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.

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(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

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(512): View more from Texas

I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.

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(716): View more from New York

he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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(503): View more from Oregon

well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

i always knew you were classy

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(757): View more from Virginia

my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers

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(303): View more from Colorado

I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself

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(630): View more from Illinois

bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.

(716): View more from New York

i dont this its possible to queef on command.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.

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(513): View more from Ohio

This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?

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(519): View more from Ontario

If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes

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(516): View more from New York

Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.

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(810): View more from Michigan

none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table

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(410): View more from Maryland

When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though

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(607): View more from New York

I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.

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(561): View more from Florida

he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.

(1-561): View more from Florida

you for real need to get over him dude

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(616): View more from Michigan

But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives

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(251): View more from Alabama

Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?

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(330): View more from Ohio

We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.

(330): View more from Ohio

Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.

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(503): View more from Oregon

why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?

(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know but we should still do that

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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(631): View more from New York

judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.

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(858): View more from California

Life is so much better after having sex.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.

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(951): View more from California

I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.

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(206): View more from Washington

No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE

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(614): View more from Ohio

We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.

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(805): View more from California

I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

I don't want it.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.

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(516): View more from New York

Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me

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(513): View more from Ohio

I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.

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(516): View more from New York

its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

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(703): View more from Virginia

Can i come over

(240): View more from Maryland

After you called me a desperate slut? No

(240): View more from Maryland

Come over

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(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

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(714): View more from California

He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick

(714): View more from California

Ive only called 5 times

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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(513): View more from Ohio

We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.

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(573): View more from Missouri

how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.

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(623): View more from Arizona

As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.

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(817): View more from Texas

how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?

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(740): View more from Ohio

the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless

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(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I skipped work to stalk him.

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(516): View more from New York

i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk

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(479): View more from Arkansas

okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters

(501): View more from Arkansas

ok you need to stop NOW

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me

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(708): View more from Illinois

We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.

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(850): View more from Florida

HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!

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(217): View more from Illinois

he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.

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(727): View more from Florida

I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?

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(804): View more from Virginia

is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

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(614): View more from Ohio

He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

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(302): View more from Delaware

It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex

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(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

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(206): View more from Washington

thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.

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