Texts From Last Night · radiiate's Favorites

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radiiate's Favorites Texts:

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

What is your life?

(315): View more from New York

A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.

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(801): View more from Utah

I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?

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(740): View more from Ohio

my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?

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(719): View more from Colorado

I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class

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(408): View more from California

MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE

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(865): View more from Tennessee

No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.

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(916): View more from California

Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.

(501): View more from Arkansas

Just skip

(479): View more from Arkansas

Please. i have SOME standards

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.

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(845): View more from New York

The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us

(845): View more from New York

I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god

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(630): View more from Illinois

Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.

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(209): View more from California

I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.

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(213): View more from California

2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.

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(210): View more from Texas

I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."

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(258): View more from

I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state

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(740): View more from Ohio

No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.

(630): View more from Illinois

I'm in love.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.

(901): View more from Tennessee

But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.

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(614): View more from Ohio

By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I put xanax in the cake batter

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Did you really? It all makes sense now.

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(831): View more from California

My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire

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(616): View more from Michigan

Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich

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(317): View more from Indiana

That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.

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(415): View more from California

Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately

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(276): View more from Virginia

Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!

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(912): View more from Georgia

It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.

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(425): View more from Washington

she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.

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(936): View more from Texas

Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.

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(310): View more from California

I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"

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(252): View more from North Carolina

You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused

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(505): View more from New Mexico

People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.

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(907): View more from Alaska

There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.

(307): View more from Wyoming

I wholeheartedly concur

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.

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(705): View more from Ontario

You sprinted into the side of a parked car

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist

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(903): View more from Texas

Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It happened again.

(612): View more from Minnesota

What?

(651): View more from Minnesota

I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.

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(619): View more from California

Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.

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(646): View more from New York

I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(269): View more from Michigan

1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.

(269): View more from Michigan

7) Noodle arms: engage

(269): View more from Michigan

The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.

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(816): View more from Missouri

One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?

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(316): View more from Kansas

Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.

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(360): View more from Washington

first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.

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(305): View more from Florida

to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter

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(858): View more from California

So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?

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(512): View more from Texas

dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts

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(650): View more from California

Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah

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(206): View more from Washington

Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.

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(816): View more from Missouri

TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...

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(707): View more from California

They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield

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(818): View more from California

I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.

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(678): View more from Georgia

After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea

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(309): View more from Illinois

Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.

(1+44): View more from

They'll never let you practice medicine.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Who is our new insurance provider?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers

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(530): View more from California

that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.

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(585): View more from New York

The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us

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(334): View more from Alabama

Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.

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(616): View more from Michigan

life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee

(1-616): View more from Michigan

i will live by this rule

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(315): View more from New York

Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break

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(843): View more from South Carolina

These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.

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(310): View more from California

All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.

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(253): View more from Washington

she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.

(206): View more from Washington

so that's what that room is for...

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(330): View more from Ohio

i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods

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(323): View more from California

I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game

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(541): View more from Oregon

What should I say back?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Well, how do you want the conversation to go?

(541): View more from Oregon

Straight into my pants.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Playing nyquil pong with a cat again

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(805): View more from California

I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.

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(303): View more from Colorado

that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me

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(516): View more from New York

I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.

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(916): View more from California

BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you

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(208): View more from Idaho

When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor

(203): View more from Connecticut

WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!

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(312): View more from Illinois

The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have

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(404): View more from Georgia

Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Be safe. And I hate you.

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(+33): View more from France

If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.

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(352): View more from Florida

But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.

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(512): View more from Texas

Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you

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(309): View more from Illinois

Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Why did you want to do any of that?

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!

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(516): View more from New York

Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.

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(650): View more from California

At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow

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(708): View more from Illinois

I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.

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(616): View more from Michigan

i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!

(1-616): View more from Michigan

BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!

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(805): View more from California

It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!

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(330): View more from Ohio

If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs

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(214): View more from Texas

Nothing says love like couples STD testing

(972): View more from Texas

Nothing says breakup like the results

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(310): View more from California

thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.

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(410): View more from Maryland

my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.

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(655): View more from

Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?

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(254): View more from Texas

STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.

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(562): View more from California

Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma

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(301): View more from Maryland

by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What drugs are we doing when you visit?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America

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(626): View more from California

I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover

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(613): View more from Ontario

He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.

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(530): View more from California

I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me

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(613): View more from Ontario

Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?

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(574): View more from Indiana

Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

It has heated floors

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(314): View more from Missouri

My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.

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(937): View more from Ohio

The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve

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(512): View more from Texas

they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze

(1-512): View more from Texas

you have the best friends

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(517): View more from Michigan

To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?

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(817): View more from Texas

This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom

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(971): View more from Oregon

Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.

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(317): View more from Indiana

There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING

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(925): View more from California

Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.

(1-925): View more from California

How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?

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(206): View more from Washington

Who showers for four hours?!

(760): View more from California

It was like a tropical nap.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys

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(912): View more from Georgia

We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.

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(740): View more from Ohio

The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?

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(303): View more from Colorado

We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool

(1-303): View more from Colorado

We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern

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(618): View more from Illinois

You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities

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(316): View more from Kansas

She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.

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(850): View more from Florida

He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk

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(931): View more from Tennessee

ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...

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(214): View more from Texas

True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like

(972): View more from Texas

Why do you text me weird shit like this?

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(585): View more from New York

I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.

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(334): View more from Alabama

OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet

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(512): View more from Texas

You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?

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(210): View more from Texas

I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I seemed to have misplaced my pants...

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(352): View more from Florida

a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?

(423): View more from Tennessee

I was emotionally compromised.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??

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(298): View more from

The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

(208): View more from Idaho

You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth

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(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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(334): View more from Alabama

FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..

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(801): View more from Utah

Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.

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(407): View more from Florida

Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.

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(917): View more from New York City

hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't you gay?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME

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(425): View more from Washington

This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed

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(206): View more from Washington

You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

(360): View more from Washington

1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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(720): View more from Colorado

His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent

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(831): View more from California

think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.

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(207): View more from Maine

Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...

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(480): View more from Arizona

If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.

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(805): View more from California

the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick

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(913): View more from Kansas

Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?

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(760): View more from California

If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

You gays are geniuses

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(315): View more from New York

Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.

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(360): View more from Washington

I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be there in a few.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'M COUNTING TO FEW.

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(914): View more from New York

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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(563): View more from Iowa

You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...

(860): View more from Connecticut

Tuesday

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013

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(505): View more from New Mexico

How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We were destined to go to rehab together

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON

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(706): View more from Georgia

Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?

(1-706): View more from Georgia

You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.

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(254): View more from Texas

We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.

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(614): View more from Ohio

the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots

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(216): View more from Ohio

Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.

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(863): View more from Florida

Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.

(813): View more from Florida

You always make things weird.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?

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(503): View more from Oregon

And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.

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(616): View more from Michigan

We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.

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(916): View more from California

My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"

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(410): View more from Maryland

You texted me a picture of your face along with #help

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(925): View more from California

Are sex swings allowed in dorms

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(503): View more from Oregon

I like the wholesome side of you

(571): View more from Virginia

I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.

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(802): View more from Vermont

just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store

(203): View more from Connecticut

was it you?

(802): View more from Vermont

...yes

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(707): View more from California

He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car

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(516): View more from New York

Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass

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(205): View more from Alabama

No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Can I get that on a shirt

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(519): View more from Ontario

People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(707): View more from California

Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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(916): View more from California

you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"

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(219): View more from Indiana

All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights

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(708): View more from Illinois

He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck

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(330): View more from Ohio

I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...

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(951): View more from California

Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf

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(805): View more from California

Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!

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(816): View more from Missouri

Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question

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(323): View more from California

Put some vodka in it

(424): View more from California

Its 7am

(323): View more from California

put some vodka in it

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(203): View more from Connecticut

But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad

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(630): View more from Illinois

Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real

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(702): View more from Nevada

Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?

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(706): View more from Georgia

First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.

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(734): View more from Michigan

This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.

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(775): View more from Nevada

This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late

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(562): View more from California

Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Are we in any of the areas with tornados?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.

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(510): View more from California

Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.

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(904): View more from Florida

It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What happened to my knees?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.

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(949): View more from California

You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(208): View more from Idaho

Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?

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(310): View more from California

I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.

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(269): View more from Michigan

You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

I thank god almighty everyday

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(219): View more from Indiana

i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.

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(740): View more from Ohio

She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.

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(310): View more from California

Is cereal technically a soup?

(310): View more from California

Fuck, I'm high.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.

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(850): View more from Florida

Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.

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(417): View more from Missouri

So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?

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(205): View more from Alabama

You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.

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(315): View more from New York

The second I see you we're shot gunning beers

(1-315): View more from New York

It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning

(315): View more from New York

And your point is?

(1-315): View more from New York

Marry me

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You left wolverine marks

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

I'm somewhere between sorry and proud

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(310): View more from California

What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

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(317): View more from Indiana

TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.

(415): View more from California

I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext

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(509): View more from Washington

This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.

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(310): View more from California

I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Basically.

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(914): View more from New York

Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.

(410): View more from Maryland

By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!

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(213): View more from California

Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.

(201): View more from New Jersey

... and if i was..

(213): View more from California

Fuck. You.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart

(763): View more from Minnesota

Die.

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(409): View more from Texas

My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.

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(214): View more from Texas

We can put you in charge of something

(1-214): View more from Texas

I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous

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(530): View more from California

How on earth did you break your wrist?

(1-530): View more from California

I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing

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(651): View more from Minnesota

OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.

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(386): View more from Florida

I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween

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(520): View more from Arizona

That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy

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(519): View more from Ontario

we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...

(226): View more from Ontario

did I at least say anything...

(519): View more from Ontario

you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living

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(505): View more from New Mexico

the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(815): View more from Illinois

YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out

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(773): View more from Illinois

How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess

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(835): View more from Pennsylvania

You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"

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(914): View more from New York

Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?

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(770): View more from Georgia

I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.

(1-770): View more from Georgia

You're a good friend.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.

(763): View more from Minnesota

like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo

(612): View more from Minnesota

Wat

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help

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(443): View more from Maryland

well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.

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(660): View more from Missouri

People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

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(469): View more from Texas

I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina

(513): View more from Ohio

Post that event on your timeline

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(419): View more from Ohio

Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."

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(865): View more from Tennessee

God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"

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(208): View more from Idaho

Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.

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(303): View more from Colorado

That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey

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(260): View more from Indiana

And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina

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(863): View more from Florida

I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.

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(917): View more from New York City

The cops raided her house the day before class even started

(1-917): View more from New York City

Those assholes are becoming so efficient

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again

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(970): View more from Colorado

He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.

(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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(817): View more from Texas

We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

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(509): View more from Washington

Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.

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