Texts From Last Night · sierraraelea's Favorites

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(970): View more from Colorado

I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina

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(805): View more from California

He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(240): View more from Maryland

He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(818): View more from California

i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body

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(253): View more from Washington

I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

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(817): View more from Texas

I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.

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(816): View more from Missouri

They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.

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(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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(515): View more from Iowa

What did I eat last night that was bloody?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(703): View more from Virginia

just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?

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(469): View more from Texas

just do it

(1-469): View more from Texas

fine only cuz shes asian

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(512): View more from Texas

Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.

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(740): View more from Ohio

He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.

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(847): View more from Illinois

then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR

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(817): View more from Texas

He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She went from zero to smokin in five shots

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(650): View more from California

Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..

(1-650): View more from California

You've kissed worse.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.

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(360): View more from Washington

i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

(1-360): View more from Washington

oh. my. god. yes.

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(810): View more from Michigan

woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...

(1-540): View more from Virginia

You at least unplugged it right?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fuck appropriateness.

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(917): View more from New York City

I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike

(1-917): View more from New York City

this is mike. we're done.

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(850): View more from Florida

JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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(631): View more from New York

im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(702): View more from Nevada

chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate

(415): View more from California

i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube

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(720): View more from Colorado

If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me

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(336): View more from North Carolina

as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love

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(313): View more from Michigan

Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

how much adderall did you take today?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.

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(941): View more from Florida

i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.

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(607): View more from New York

Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.

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(850): View more from Florida

He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"

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(720): View more from Colorado

I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..

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(541): View more from Oregon

we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.

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(209): View more from California

is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

(1-209): View more from California

yes...dear jesus what did you do?

(209): View more from California

bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

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(914): View more from New York

It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.

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(586): View more from Michigan

we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

omg no way im finding him!

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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(512): View more from Texas

HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?

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(415): View more from California

I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?

(512): View more from Texas

Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.

(415): View more from California

Watch for tornadoes.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

coke and sex party at dan's

(201): View more from New Jersey

im watching greys anatomy with megan...

(973): View more from New Jersey

wha-pishhh

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts

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(440): View more from Ohio

He called his prostate his "boner button".

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(913): View more from Kansas

They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.

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(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(480): View more from Arizona

A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(614): View more from Ohio

you really are a gigantic fucking slut.

(614): View more from Ohio

sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text

(1-614): View more from Ohio

it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?

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(512): View more from Texas

I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.

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(805): View more from California

we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend

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(303): View more from Colorado

and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster

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(914): View more from New York

My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.

(845): View more from New York

She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?

(914): View more from New York

well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey

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(631): View more from New York

OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET

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(361): View more from Texas

One girl and one boy is just not enough.

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(240): View more from Maryland

she was so not down for the gang bang

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(305): View more from Florida

I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.

(404): View more from Georgia

Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.

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(443): View more from Maryland

a queef is a wish your heart makes.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience

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(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(519): View more from Ontario

oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.

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(714): View more from California

so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.

(1-714): View more from California

yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...

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(219): View more from Indiana

So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.

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(801): View more from Utah

just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So do you want to come over? ;)

(763): View more from Minnesota

Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.

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(805): View more from California

Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?

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(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"

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(214): View more from Texas

does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??

(817): View more from Texas

dude, everything can mix, this is college.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.

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(574): View more from Indiana

You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...

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(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

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(703): View more from Virginia

you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(586): View more from Michigan

sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number

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(912): View more from Georgia

I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.

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(770): View more from Georgia

i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.

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(207): View more from Maine

Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy

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(316): View more from Kansas

I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That's how you know you deserve to be a senior

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.

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(352): View more from Florida

Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

(1-352): View more from Florida

What?

(352): View more from Florida

Just dont open the beer drawer.

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(407): View more from Florida

So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"

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(626): View more from California

He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.

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(310): View more from California

it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?

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(810): View more from Michigan

He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair

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(830): View more from Texas

If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice

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(201): View more from New Jersey

know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter

(310): View more from California

your less of a man for seeing that

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(303): View more from Colorado

I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Mommy issues

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(647): View more from Ontario

So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup

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(561): View more from Florida

I can't believe he would be such an ass

(1-561): View more from Florida

Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.

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(316): View more from Kansas

i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen

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(856): View more from New Jersey

part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine

(303): View more from Colorado

Oh and I threw up on myself...

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

and then ....

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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(276): View more from Virginia

Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

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(425): View more from Washington

I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.

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(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I hope mine doesn't look like that

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(201): View more from New Jersey

somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.

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(253): View more from Washington

The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid

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(818): View more from California

Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

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(863): View more from Florida

Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.

(440): View more from Ohio

Honestly, what else do I have going for me?

(216): View more from Ohio

You make a valid point.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

(847): View more from Illinois

Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day

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(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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(916): View more from California

come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off

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(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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(516): View more from New York

Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites

(1-516): View more from New York

Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.

(416): View more from Ontario

Apparently you chose the latter.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

(1-313): View more from Michigan

restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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(860): View more from Connecticut

my vagina's been through so much this weekend

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

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(734): View more from Michigan

i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

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(360): View more from Washington

Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(925): View more from California

He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...

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(905): View more from Ontario

i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.

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(850): View more from Florida

how was your day?

(404): View more from Georgia

fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Operation Purity has been aborted

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You suck.

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(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

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(502): View more from Kentucky

How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?

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(216): View more from Ohio

dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

so im guessing thats a no.....

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(678): View more from Georgia

I stuck it in and pulled it out

(1-678): View more from Georgia

Did she like it?

(678): View more from Georgia

She giggled?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

She liked it

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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(847): View more from Illinois

I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face

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(980): View more from North Carolina

when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.

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(894): View more from

just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

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(860): View more from Connecticut

remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hate that ur telling me this.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?

(586): View more from Michigan

Cause it just destroys penises

(586): View more from Michigan

Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore

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(916): View more from California

she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?

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(773): View more from Illinois

You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin

(262): View more from Wisconsin

your sister was..

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(480): View more from Arizona

Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy

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(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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(858): View more from California

I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.

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(906): View more from Michigan

last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that

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(760): View more from California

I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

(508): View more from Massachusetts

These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(707): View more from California

Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.

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(310): View more from California

I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

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