Texts From Last Night · wilsonnick944's Favorites

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(209): View more from California

We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(705): View more from Ontario

She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.

(905): View more from Ontario

I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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(816): View more from Missouri

So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?

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(801): View more from Utah

What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."

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(727): View more from Florida

His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.

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(206): View more from Washington

Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments

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(503): View more from Oregon

You'll be proud of me

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Who did you not have sex with

(503): View more from Oregon

Damn it...you know me too well

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(773): View more from Illinois

somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students

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(469): View more from Texas

Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick

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(269): View more from Michigan

I wanna bring you to show and tell

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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(937): View more from Ohio

This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.

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(360): View more from Washington

we are all sexual creatures

(951): View more from California

yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(810): View more from Michigan

That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.

(810): View more from Michigan

I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...

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(217): View more from Illinois

My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker

(914): View more from New York

Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.

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(229): View more from Georgia

College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant

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(269): View more from Michigan

I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.

(616): View more from Michigan

Who said I want to share with you?

(269): View more from Michigan

You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"

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(515): View more from Iowa

John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

As in blowjob or cannibalism?

(515): View more from Iowa

I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(815): View more from Illinois

It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

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(440): View more from Ohio

D3 body, D1 cock

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(216): View more from Ohio

My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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(509): View more from Washington

Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

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(561): View more from Florida

I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter

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(626): View more from California

Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college

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(562): View more from California

I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Girls should come with a carfax report

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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(734): View more from Michigan

i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(785): View more from Kansas

he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense

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(705): View more from Ontario

Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this

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(817): View more from Texas

They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.

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(330): View more from Ohio

nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.

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(719): View more from Colorado

We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(310): View more from California

i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(206): View more from Washington

The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

(425): View more from Washington

Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.

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(224): View more from Illinois

:( I'm sorry!!!

(847): View more from Illinois

sexual favors sorry?

(224): View more from Illinois

absolutely not

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(941): View more from Florida

Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.

(1-941): View more from Florida

That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.

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(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.

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(214): View more from Texas

Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS

(210): View more from Texas

Put my glitter back.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.

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(540): View more from Virginia

hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.

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(206): View more from Washington

Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.

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(561): View more from Florida

hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?

(407): View more from Florida

i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery

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(702): View more from Nevada

i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing

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(305): View more from Florida

nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night

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(940): View more from Texas

The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?

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(773): View more from Illinois

not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.

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(386): View more from Florida

her nipple to breast ratio was just odd

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was

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(514): View more from Quebec

you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night

(514): View more from Quebec

i got kicked out last time for laughing

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.

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(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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(347): View more from New York

How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?

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(765): View more from Indiana

So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(802): View more from Vermont

hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...

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(626): View more from California

HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(630): View more from Illinois

Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.

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(217): View more from Illinois

The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

Aren't you in 8th grade?

(502): View more from Kentucky

9th, but that's not the point.

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(530): View more from California

dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often

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(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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