Texts From Last Night · Brokeskater's Favorites

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Brokeskater's Favorites Texts:

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(336): View more from North Carolina

as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love

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(217): View more from Illinois

This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.

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(480): View more from Arizona

oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(207): View more from Maine

Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.

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(631): View more from New York

Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

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(801): View more from Utah

we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious

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(517): View more from Michigan

He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(260): View more from Indiana

Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes

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(708): View more from Illinois

just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube

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(804): View more from Virginia

she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass

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(318): View more from Louisiana

tonight lets celebrate not being married

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(404): View more from Georgia

you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship

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(973): View more from New Jersey

don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.

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(614): View more from Ohio

trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial

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(305): View more from Florida

If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

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(813): View more from Florida

watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide

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(315): View more from New York

He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?

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(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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(765): View more from Indiana

She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(850): View more from Florida

best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!

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(804): View more from Virginia

...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

my cup is half full, half full of rum.

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(917): View more from New York City

Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks

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(540): View more from Virginia

My Higher Power is John Stamos

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(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(361): View more from Texas

At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

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(669): View more from California

sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(863): View more from Florida

if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed

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(520): View more from Arizona

Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf

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(970): View more from Colorado

She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(949): View more from California

Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

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(954): View more from Florida

everyone is single if you try hard enough

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line

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(818): View more from California

I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.

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(917): View more from New York City

No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.

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(585): View more from New York

I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...

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(706): View more from Georgia

She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things

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(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

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(706): View more from Georgia

dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.

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(513): View more from Ohio

god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"

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(315): View more from New York

It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"

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(903): View more from Texas

How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.

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(773): View more from Illinois

My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it

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(417): View more from Missouri

Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?

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(770): View more from Georgia

At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.

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(719): View more from Colorado

new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge

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(404): View more from Georgia

dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES

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(973): View more from New Jersey

What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day

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(650): View more from California

I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.

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(315): View more from New York

im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.

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(027): View more from

I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge

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(740): View more from Ohio

There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again

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(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Call me so I can make it juicy for ya

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(248): View more from Michigan

ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year

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(907): View more from Alaska

I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....

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(870): View more from Arkansas

The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?

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(077): View more from

it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner

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(206): View more from Washington

I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"

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(586): View more from Michigan

Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.

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(563): View more from Iowa

The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(303): View more from Colorado

This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

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(631): View more from New York

Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"

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(205): View more from Alabama

Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you

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(708): View more from Illinois

I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"

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(513): View more from Ohio

she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?

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(503): View more from Oregon

bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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(805): View more from California

she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

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(720): View more from Colorado

For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What are we going to do tonight?

(704): View more from North Carolina

What we try to do every night. Take over the world

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(602): View more from Arizona

I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

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(281): View more from Texas

I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously

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(216): View more from Ohio

She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened

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(678): View more from Georgia

Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.

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(727): View more from Florida

These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.

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(630): View more from Illinois

nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster

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Brokeskater's Favorites Texts:

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