Texts From Last Night · StefaniaLucca's Favorites

Sorry ThazMrPlaya2U hasn't picked any favorites yet.

StefaniaLucca's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(620): View more from Kansas

It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"

Fav 21 1900 5944
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

Fav 12 9146 2020
share tweet

(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

Fav 9 2591 6922
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.

Fav 19 4900 1574
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

Fav 20 8976 1504
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

Fav 21 8144 1694
share tweet

(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

Fav 60 14444 1337
share tweet

(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

Fav 41 13894 1844
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..

Fav 34 5959 1378
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

Fav 6 9304 1556
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

Fav 19 7729 1469
share tweet

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.

Fav 8 6136 1762
share tweet

(253): View more from Washington

Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab

(253): View more from Washington

I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.

Fav 3 2647 877
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

Fav 21 9072 1566
share tweet

(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

Fav 42 3054 1388
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

Fav 52 9480 2015
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?

(1-607): View more from New York

King Triton

Fav 77 1572 3144
share tweet
(546): View more from

Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

Fav 65 3288 1108
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

Fav 47 15196 2261
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35242 2055
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

Fav 45 15495 2361
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

Fav 20 6796 1374
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

Fav 19 2109 5673
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

Fav 197 11175 1391
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.

Fav 6 4489 1115
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint

Fav 15 4924 1273
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.

Fav 38 6263 1561
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Does God suck his dick?

Fav 105 1618 6127
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

Fav 148 3969 12928
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Porn is love you can see.

Fav 9 1436 1007
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

Fav 73 19507 4224
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure

Fav 16 1060 2689
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

Fav 59 8464 1869
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

Fav 18 6806 1444
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?

(910): View more from North Carolina

succeeding

Fav 10 5586 1403
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe

Fav 14 3957 1685
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

what's Bukake?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

a bad idea.

Fav 31 1656 3336
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

Fav 70 10834 1439
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

Fav 18 10608 1442
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

Fav 28 3079 12624
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.

Fav 19 4940 1672
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.

(512): View more from Texas

There are margaritas in the freezer still.

Fav 16 5808 1316
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.

Fav 29 5623 1202
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

Fav 12 1675 5184
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

Fav 14 6380 1405
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

Fav 14 7637 1410
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again

Fav 19 5937 1616
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today

Fav 18 4948 1407
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.

Fav 30 7446 1465
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Joe is yelling at the trees again.

Fav 26 4251 996
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

Fav 61 19542 2389
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

Fav 24 10047 1751
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

Fav 21 5408 1988
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

Fav 17 9433 1451
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

Fav 15 9500 1377
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.

Fav 11 5186 1490
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

Fav 18 5703 3122
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

Fav 62 6515 1401
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

Fav 37 2727 6963
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

Fav 10 6146 1362
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...

Fav 67 5865 1253
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.

Fav 47 6702 2446
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on

Fav 2 1062 1057
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.

(912): View more from Georgia

What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?

(760): View more from California

I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.

Fav 26 5006 1109
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

Fav 24 2277 7132
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

Fav 31 10060 1478
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes

Fav 54 3116 6403
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.

Fav 30 4331 1295
share tweet
(760): View more from California

She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.

Fav 30 8014 1561
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

Fav 87 26958 5266
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

Fav 61 28046 1879
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

Fav 17 8915 1552
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.

Fav 7 7425 1266
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

Fav 33 10157 1610
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

Fav 21 7105 1841
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

Fav 37 19432 1705
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

Fav 22 7343 1466
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again

Fav 7 1301 2844
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

Fav 20 11117 1676
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?

Fav 13 5485 1374
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

Fav 14 6192 1591
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...

Fav 15 5893 1372
share tweet
(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

Fav 12 4276 1346
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

Fav 14 2785 4166
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

Fav 76 8027 1692
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

Fav 29 8909 1453
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

Fav 259 5458 5327
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it

Fav 29 7047 1520
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

Fav 36 16875 1736
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

Fav 7 6613 1469
share tweet
(626): View more from California

you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay

Fav 10 1195 5018
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

Fav 93 11881 1514
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39925 2449
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'

(224): View more from Illinois

Im going to research this theory. . .

Fav 47 4103 880
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.

Fav 9 1750 4812
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

Fav 26 6232 1621
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88708 9681
share tweet
(650): View more from California

one two three fourrrrnication!

Fav 4 4008 973
share tweet
(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

Fav 51 15719 2859
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

Fav 32 1609 5541
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"

Fav 12 7416 1184
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

Fav 5 1938 1420
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

it's not cheating when I paid for it

Fav 67 1838 5705
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

Fav 15 5884 1098
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.

Fav 146 4832 1263
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you

Fav 18 1140 2369
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.

(972): View more from Texas

I worry about you sometimes...

Fav 22 5401 1102
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".

Fav 39 8784 1262
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.

Fav 22 4460 2448
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

Fav 79 39335 2227
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.

Fav 18 1430 3976
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home

Fav 77 7846 1063
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them

Fav 7 3689 1504
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.

Fav 12 4940 1066
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.

Fav 36 8272 1009
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.

Fav 15 4182 1081
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

Fav 40 2127 4439
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people

Fav 6 6818 1039
share tweet
(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

Fav 16 3213 1314
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.

Fav 20 4819 1263
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

she looked like the bat from fern gully.

Fav 31 1145 3689
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"

Fav 19 1091 4348
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.

Fav 31 1776 5711
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.

Fav 69 9954 3435
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

Fav 29 8740 1194
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

Fav 50 1592 19816
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

Fav 148 8160 70874
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year

Fav 4 1204 2420
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i have a girlfriend

(847): View more from Illinois

if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?

(630): View more from Illinois

no

Fav 40 5887 2109
share tweet
(805): View more from California

we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend

Fav 75 3630 10495
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"

Fav 19 5392 2752
share tweet
(909): View more from California

We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.

Fav 12 5881 1119
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.

(440): View more from Ohio

I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl

Fav 25 7025 1032
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood

Fav 113 1371 6575
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.

Fav 23 830 4115
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Chicken burrito, or no deal.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Is that code for my vagina?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito

Fav 30 4685 1343
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

tequila

Fav 12 5574 887
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

Fav 73 13001 1467
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

suggestion: become a stripper.

Fav 22 4946 1270
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

Fav 58 12694 1530
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.

Fav 21 5836 1191
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer

Fav 6 4592 1349
share tweet
(805): View more from California

you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.

Fav 50 1954 18993
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.

(907): View more from Alaska

Nevermind, it's not water.

Fav 24 7497 1105
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point

Fav 40 2254 7568
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8565 49741
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

New charity walk idea!

Fav 31 13772 1365
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

Fav 91 22468 3683
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

Fav 51 2754 14320
share tweet
(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

Fav 38 10284 1061
share tweet
(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

Fav 43 9165 1788
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.

Fav 20 11633 1808
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.

Fav 7 3838 1362
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...

Fav 55 6484 1291
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

Fav 23 7478 1283
share tweet
(819): View more from Quebec

Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?

(604): View more from British Columbia

Each and every day.

Fav 16 4920 1293
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

Fav 85 11153 2920
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours

(816): View more from Missouri

outstanding.

Fav 15 4763 1239
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.

Fav 33 13150 1153
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

Fav 44 1924 6531
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.

Fav 12 1184 2443
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

i think the cat found all the blow we lost...

Fav 31 1758 5927
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"

Fav 31 6312 1207
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though

Fav 19 6356 1401
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

Fav 31 30395 1601
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

Fav 57 13784 1587
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

Fav 76 22592 1879
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

Fav 131 14933 3471
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it

Fav 18 5179 1573
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.

Fav 16 4406 1450
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me

Fav 125 2209 24450
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I am full of burrito and curiosity

Fav 24 5664 985
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning

Fav 14 6400 1048
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds

Fav 36 6672 1348
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.

Fav 22 4366 1092
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.

Fav 17 4024 1161
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick

Fav 7 4337 806
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...

Fav 22 7105 1017
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying

Fav 15 4960 824
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.

Fav 10 3775 780
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.

Fav 11 975 5087
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning

Fav 16 4369 1699
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children

Fav 11 2860 4616
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok

Fav 37 7581 1280
share tweet
(925): View more from California

can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet

Fav 26 4832 1492
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.

Fav 23 5747 896
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

Fav 41 12284 1479
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.

Fav 30 8449 1607
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it

Fav 48 3084 6384
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!

Fav 370 5222 5861
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

video games are the ultimate cock blocker

Fav 42 1106 4326
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.

Fav 30 1190 11866
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.

Fav 12 1221 5978
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.

Fav 17 8133 976
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.

Fav 10 5868 1101
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.

Fav 21 8852 1088
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would be honored to be that friend.

Fav 22 6323 989
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are

Fav 16 6909 1071
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

Fav 79 14640 1375
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it

Fav 13 4704 1881
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.

Fav 30 6809 2264
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it

Fav 42 5447 1596
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.

Fav 19 8239 1332
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up

Fav 77 1226 8172
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

Fav 42 13464 1460
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.

Fav 77 1394 4595
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out

Fav 24 1296 5994
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come

Fav 9 5845 972
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?

(1-518): View more from New York

dude. you drew those with your dick

Fav 24 7682 1785
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.

Fav 25 7990 1661
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

im bored tell me something entertaining

(206): View more from Washington

You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

Fav 48 1927 10189
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.

Fav 13 7615 1113
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

Fav 51 26505 1662
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

Fav 23 7004 2477
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

When you wake up, I have rum and am in town

Fav 3 4878 819
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

(1-515): View more from Iowa

What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

Fav 50 7967 1480
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

Fav 47 12610 1672
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

(516): View more from New York

you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

Fav 67 12085 1742
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.

Fav 10 5690 1343
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"

Fav 16 5896 1244
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza

Fav 35 7626 980
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

Fav 24 7958 1222
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"

Fav 39 3058 5459
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

Fav 16 8077 1188
share tweet
(925): View more from California

we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

(707): View more from California

dude you teach first grade wtf

Fav 57 8561 2408
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.

Fav 16 6838 1099
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

Fav 23 3554 4326
share tweet
(310): View more from California

it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined

Fav 15 8887 1159
share tweet