Texts From Last Night · Wackjob's Favorites

Wackjob's Favorites Texts:

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"

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(970): View more from Colorado

Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.

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(574): View more from Indiana

IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.

(971): View more from Oregon

YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.

(574): View more from Indiana

NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.

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(616): View more from Michigan

We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Helmets.

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(216): View more from Ohio

After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.

(708): View more from Illinois

And it tastes incredible.

(708): View more from Illinois

And I have chest pains.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML

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(541): View more from Oregon

What should I say back?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Well, how do you want the conversation to go?

(541): View more from Oregon

Straight into my pants.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE

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(805): View more from California

It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!

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(360): View more from Washington

I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.

(651): View more from Minnesota

You are a terrible person.

(763): View more from Minnesota

I just try to be optimistic...

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(540): View more from Virginia

I need Jameson.

(240): View more from Maryland

Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.

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(310): View more from California

Is cereal technically a soup?

(310): View more from California

Fuck, I'm high.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah

(772): View more from Florida

I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.

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(719): View more from Colorado

If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.

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(813): View more from Florida

I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.

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(631): View more from New York

He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.

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(845): View more from New York

YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE

(1-914): View more from New York

YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.

(845): View more from New York

I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.

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(563): View more from Iowa

He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

(1-512): View more from Texas

We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

(512): View more from Texas

This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

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(773): View more from Illinois

i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter

(1-773): View more from Illinois

re read what you just said

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(318): View more from Louisiana

At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drink to make the karaoke go away.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

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(315): View more from New York

Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?

(540): View more from Virginia

Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude

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(626): View more from California

Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day

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(347): View more from New York

I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

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(979): View more from Texas

A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.

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(847): View more from Illinois

And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you

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(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

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(614): View more from Ohio

The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??

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(914): View more from New York

Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

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(+61): View more from Australia

It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(443): View more from Maryland

Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.

(410): View more from Maryland

The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(845): View more from New York

I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'

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(419): View more from Ohio

Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

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(661): View more from California

Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.

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(516): View more from New York

I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?

(1-516): View more from New York

I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up

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(315): View more from New York

If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".

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(310): View more from California

It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

(415): View more from California

That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

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(330): View more from Ohio

OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...

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(816): View more from Missouri

And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"

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(314): View more from Missouri

Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?

(518): View more from New York

I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.

(615): View more from Tennessee

Like handprints on my lower back...

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(269): View more from Michigan

Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.

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(305): View more from Florida

It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.

(703): View more from Virginia

The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(678): View more from Georgia

So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.

(770): View more from Georgia

Dude. Do it.

(678): View more from Georgia

Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(559): View more from California

well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"

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(303): View more from Colorado

The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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(928): View more from Arizona

its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought

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(914): View more from New York

I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."

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(317): View more from Indiana

Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.

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(646): View more from New York

So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking

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(307): View more from Wyoming

this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.

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(817): View more from Texas

It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.

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(510): View more from California

I'm trying to make a sex playlist

(916): View more from California

record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Run away.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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(214): View more from Texas

If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(360): View more from Washington

Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off

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(519): View more from Ontario

If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes

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(573): View more from Missouri

What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(816): View more from Missouri

i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?

(325): View more from Texas

Jail. That could go wrong.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D

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(313): View more from Michigan

Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.

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(514): View more from Quebec

She just gave me a free latte.

(416): View more from Toronto

Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.

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(313): View more from Michigan

First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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(540): View more from Virginia

If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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(903): View more from Texas

He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.

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(903): View more from Texas

Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i just like, need to vent to someone

(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?

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(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(563): View more from Iowa

Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!

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(573): View more from Missouri

It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.

(847): View more from Illinois

It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"

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(775): View more from Nevada

Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls

(702): View more from Nevada

Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter

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(912): View more from Georgia

He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.

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(559): View more from California

The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.

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(254): View more from Texas

Im just a social blackout drinker.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

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(604): View more from British Columbia

ttyl tear gas

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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(928): View more from Arizona

He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.

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(407): View more from Florida

50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol

(256): View more from Alabama

Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(804): View more from Virginia

she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.

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(585): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

She still started it.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.

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(352): View more from Florida

This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode

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(519): View more from Ontario

I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(602): View more from Arizona

just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober

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(217): View more from Illinois

Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

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(941): View more from Florida

Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

you dont

(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont

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(502): View more from Kentucky

He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(817): View more from Texas

He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round

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(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

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(727): View more from Florida

Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

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(810): View more from Michigan

I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears

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(602): View more from Arizona

It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight

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(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

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(636): View more from Missouri

hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

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(317): View more from Indiana

Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(316): View more from Kansas

So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That sounds dangerous

(316): View more from Kansas

Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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