Texts From Last Night · clarkapalooza's Favorites

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.

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(509): View more from Washington

I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.

(609): View more from New Jersey

That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.

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(707): View more from California

At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

(941): View more from Florida

I was attacked by whores

(609): View more from New Jersey

You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

(941): View more from Florida

They were strong whores

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.

(651): View more from Minnesota

Looks like I won that one

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(314): View more from Missouri

CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED

(+04): View more from

Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

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(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

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(360): View more from Washington

Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.

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(714): View more from California

If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.

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(281): View more from Texas

In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.

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(518): View more from New York

I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups

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(609): View more from New Jersey

sleazy september. first one with mono loses.

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

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(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms

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(713): View more from Texas

Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now

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(773): View more from Illinois

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

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(831): View more from California

She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..

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(260): View more from Indiana

His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(317): View more from Indiana

So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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(330): View more from Ohio

sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.

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(907): View more from Alaska

My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.

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(813): View more from Florida

she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter

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(347): View more from New York

his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.

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(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

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(703): View more from Virginia

that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good

(1-703): View more from Virginia

that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We welcome drunken adversity.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

With open legs.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

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(303): View more from Colorado

You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

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(903): View more from Texas

Beer Popsicles are better in theory

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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(727): View more from Florida

and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.

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(410): View more from Maryland

How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?

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(716): View more from New York

I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that

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(443): View more from Maryland

we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!

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(204): View more from Manitoba

We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.

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(561): View more from Florida

She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard

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(909): View more from California

He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.

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(925): View more from California

We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...

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(702): View more from Nevada

Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.

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(407): View more from Florida

hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever

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(513): View more from Ohio

He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Are you in a cab?

(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

it's a Wednesday?

(419): View more from Ohio

:)

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(661): View more from California

1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

(1-661): View more from California

1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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(575): View more from New Mexico

you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers

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(707): View more from California

We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.

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(409): View more from Texas

The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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(205): View more from Alabama

You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.

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(361): View more from Texas

I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.

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(209): View more from California

You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant

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(619): View more from California

He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?

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(925): View more from California

She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor

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(913): View more from Kansas

did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

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(727): View more from Florida

Semen is not good for contacts.

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(210): View more from Texas

Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad

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(713): View more from Texas

the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us

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(206): View more from Washington

do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(810): View more from Michigan

you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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(773): View more from Illinois

I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.

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(801): View more from Utah

I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.

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(530): View more from California

Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.

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(972): View more from Texas

he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.

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(775): View more from Nevada

You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.

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(915): View more from Texas

Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.

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(801): View more from Utah

He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

oh my god i'm in a crawl space

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(219): View more from Indiana

U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we already have meals planned for the weekend.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.

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(831): View more from California

please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom

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(607): View more from New York

his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.

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(940): View more from Texas

I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(254): View more from Texas

I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.

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(785): View more from Kansas

this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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(443): View more from Maryland

please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(209): View more from California

you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(716): View more from New York

He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted

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(618): View more from Illinois

You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well

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(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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