Texts From Last Night · fireyblue's Favorites

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fireyblue's Favorites Texts:

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(616): View more from Michigan

I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...

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(647): View more from Ontario

we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

(309): View more from Illinois

Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.

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(620): View more from Kansas

He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.

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(209): View more from California

Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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(616): View more from Michigan

Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.

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(949): View more from California

he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect

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(740): View more from Ohio

He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did

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(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(305): View more from Florida

Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(847): View more from Illinois

can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(574): View more from Indiana

apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"

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(757): View more from Virginia

You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(816): View more from Missouri

It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea

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(310): View more from California

My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(972): View more from Texas

Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving

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(404): View more from Georgia

Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(336): View more from North Carolina

We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her

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(303): View more from Colorado

Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

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(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

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(269): View more from Michigan

I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I found those 18 whoppers we bought.

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(757): View more from Virginia

He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(574): View more from Indiana

You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...

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(586): View more from Michigan

Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.

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(619): View more from California

He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.

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(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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(831): View more from California

No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.

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(206): View more from Washington

i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us

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(503): View more from Oregon

I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover

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(480): View more from Arizona

Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(760): View more from California

The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha

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(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

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(540): View more from Virginia

That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

It was the best sex i've ever had.

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(434): View more from Virginia

NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...

(1-540): View more from Virginia

You at least unplugged it right?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(313): View more from Michigan

I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was

(734): View more from Michigan

you're 26.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

well apparently not.

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(614): View more from Ohio

this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(905): View more from Toronto

I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(916): View more from California

i think i have herpe

(1-916): View more from California

just one?

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

(1-313): View more from Michigan

restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

super hot butfun

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.

(317): View more from Indiana

Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.

(812): View more from Indiana

Ah, my reputation precedes me.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

Well... I doubt that.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.

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(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(989): View more from Michigan

I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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(516): View more from New York

sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

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(770): View more from Georgia

So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...

(404): View more from Georgia

Dont! You were just serving you country

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(440): View more from Ohio

he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(630): View more from Illinois

do you know how bad I want you right now?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

As bad as i want you to stop texting me?

(630): View more from Illinois

is that a hint?

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(845): View more from New York

They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.

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(419): View more from Ohio

we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear

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(727): View more from Florida

He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Whore.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was being facetious

(540): View more from Virginia

Don't try to hide behind big words.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(936): View more from Texas

You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(646): View more from New York

we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..

(219): View more from Indiana

you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.

(646): View more from New York

nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(206): View more from Washington

He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...

(1-206): View more from Washington

He obviously understands you completely.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Wish you were here....

(734): View more from Michigan

And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

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(207): View more from Maine

so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then she called me a home wrecking whore.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

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(530): View more from California

before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake

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(217): View more from Illinois

Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning

(1-217): View more from Illinois

didn't feel it. :)

(217): View more from Illinois

It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wait what? so it's not in america?

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(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(702): View more from Nevada

did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

..im mad u rememberd about that

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am

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(518): View more from New York

it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(219): View more from Indiana

NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

(1-219): View more from Indiana

wow.

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(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

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(269): View more from Michigan

I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon

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(435): View more from Utah

I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.

(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

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(970): View more from Colorado

We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

you better fuck at least one or both of them.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

You got my ass fired just for knowing you

(479): View more from Arkansas

thanks for the bacon

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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(682): View more from Texas

why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?

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(703): View more from Virginia

He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Wasn't he an English major?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.

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(956): View more from Texas

is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?

(210): View more from Texas

no

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(404): View more from Georgia

It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own

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(312): View more from Illinois

dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song

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(330): View more from Ohio

you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.

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(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(626): View more from California

you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay

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(347): View more from New York

Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.

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(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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(904): View more from Florida

it's circumsized.

(954): View more from Florida

I think this conversation is over.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

(1-210): View more from Texas

I love milkshakes.

(210): View more from Texas

Not the point.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how was last night?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.

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(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.

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(925): View more from California

While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

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(914): View more from New York

i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die

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(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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