Texts From Last Night · gardea

Sorry stevebauer hasn't picked any favorites yet.

gardea_11b's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(602): View more from Arizona

I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

Fav 23 1843 4563
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.

Fav 20 5233 1587
share tweet

(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

Fav 54 11592 1816
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job

Fav 13 4200 1311
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy

Fav 31 6005 1572
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

Fav 38 8275 1857
share tweet

(201): View more from New Jersey

oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.

Fav 24 2518 3820
share tweet

(912): View more from Georgia

Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony

Fav 11 4654 1778
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea

Fav 60 3557 9004
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"

Fav 32 8383 2069
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

Fav 13 6146 1503
share tweet

(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

Fav 67 8414 3477
share tweet

(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

Fav 51 9072 1590
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

Fav 36 6138 1561
share tweet

(206): View more from Washington

The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

(425): View more from Washington

Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

Fav 7 6152 1422
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

wtf

Fav 18 1672 5666
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

Fav 77 6566 2357
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

Fav 7 5451 1372
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

Fav 49 6927 3283
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.

Fav 32 8124 1552
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

Fav 15 6978 1464
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

Fav 18 5096 1504
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.

Fav 38 3606 7188
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

Fav 37 6970 1701
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?

Fav 18 4980 1407
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

Fav 17 7586 1627
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.

Fav 24 5335 1459
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore

Fav 38 5536 1947
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.

Fav 46 6836 1705
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?

Fav 27 1277 5085
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

Fav 36 2199 9876
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Do they take checks?

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?

Fav 18 5363 2037
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

Fav 20 8358 1576
share tweet
(619): View more from California

he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days

Fav 10 5154 1531
share tweet
(420): View more from

So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth

Fav 18 1235 6763
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

Fav 22 14906 1828
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex

Fav 17 5140 1674
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

Fav 9 7903 1680
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

Fav 31 8592 2357
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

Fav 17 8417 2148
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.

Fav 114 1950 25661
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

Fav 76 17029 2586
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

Fav 60 15768 2599
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

Fav 35 10295 1419
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances

Fav 28 7702 1740
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.

Fav 29 2918 5213
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

Fav 12 4638 1564
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...

Fav 36 6436 1700
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this

Fav 20 1417 6485
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

Fav 51 11195 2032
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

(631): View more from New York

Cruelly.

Fav 23 4460 1578
share tweet
(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

Fav 26 10066 1975
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

Fav 43 20361 1802
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

Fav 27 9713 4569
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997

Fav 34 1545 5394
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

Fav 61 11285 2281
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.

Fav 13 4693 2004
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

Fav 44 8519 2976
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

Fav 16 5546 3889
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.

Fav 7 5351 1247
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning

Fav 52 2158 8596
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

Fav 44 13895 1616
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.

(760): View more from California

Wow.

Fav 16 4556 1802
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.

Fav 46 7781 944
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?

Fav 27 1512 5835
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.

Fav 12 6183 1634
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.

Fav 19 7283 1712
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

Fav 16 6850 1369
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

Fav 6 5344 1423
share tweet
(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

Fav 46 13845 2508
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth

Fav 26 1196 4910
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

Fav 48 1643 1833
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears

Fav 29 1571 8692
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

Fav 5 6298 1518
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

Fav 55 2544 16037
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.

Fav 21 5279 1776
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.

Fav 10 4495 1207
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

Fav 41 8702 1861
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

Fav 13 7697 1429
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

Fav 20 7402 2127
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

(314): View more from Missouri

you can't hurt those

Fav 7 4959 1377
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.

Fav 16 4527 1298
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

Fav 31 7297 1728
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.

Fav 20 2246 5082
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"

Fav 11 2281 3429
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

Fav 71 8428 2041
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

Fav 45 15495 2361
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35243 2055
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

Fav 20 5360 1329
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up

Fav 22 5712 3063
share tweet
(818): View more from California

She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.

Fav 31 1168 10036
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis

Fav 82 11648 2013
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.

Fav 33 5006 1300
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?

Fav 32 5115 1320
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

Fav 25 5805 1930
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

Fav 236 67229 3282
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63940 5489
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.

Fav 25 5535 1325
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

Fav 61 19438 1815
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146094 10747
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

Fav 111 47667 3211
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

Fav 207 53710 3599
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61939 8169
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

Fav 182 53565 2640
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

Fav 87 53643 3889
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75095 3010
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

Fav 118 46240 4278
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67662 4391
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173861 44318
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Haha did she know what fisting meant?

(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself

Fav 21 1693 5750
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Church boner. Awkwardddd

Fav 43 3029 6021
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

Fav 28 2046 7208
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?

Fav 47 1732 7286
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer

Fav 25 6898 1602
share tweet

gardea_11b's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

Quick! While no one's looking

Click this little button for TFLN texts and updates

We also send dope emails

Forget to check the site? We’ll send our best texts, memes and weekly shenanigans straight to your inbox.

already like us? well thanks! click here.