Texts From Last Night · korieliz24's Favorites

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons

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(208): View more from Idaho

New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(269): View more from Michigan

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

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(512): View more from Texas

and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(352): View more from Florida

we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

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(316): View more from Kansas

toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(718): View more from New York

...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex

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(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.

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(314): View more from Missouri

this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.

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(518): View more from New York

I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.

(208): View more from Idaho

ha well at least you have goals.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(404): View more from Georgia

you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

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(253): View more from Washington

DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?

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(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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(954): View more from Florida

The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.

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(702): View more from Nevada

you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.

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(240): View more from Maryland

captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.

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(478): View more from Georgia

you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.

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(503): View more from Oregon

after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.

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(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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(323): View more from California

I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.

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(416): View more from Ontario

I wanna be on tlc

(905): View more from Toronto

Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.

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(360): View more from Washington

No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..

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(612): View more from Minnesota

We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(331): View more from Illinois

You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.

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(503): View more from Oregon

The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

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(212): View more from New York

Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.

(248): View more from Michigan

hah, sarcasm, classic

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.

(662): View more from Mississippi

He was trying to put me in handcuffs.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You have my attention.

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(631): View more from New York

I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't want you to recite the pledge!

(631): View more from New York

Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

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(260): View more from Indiana

Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

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(217): View more from Illinois

Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.

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(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp

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(812): View more from Indiana

Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(815): View more from Illinois

if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

(703): View more from Virginia

mine is 'the'.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

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(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(248): View more from Michigan

Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(954): View more from Florida

Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Hurt me personally.

(954): View more from Florida

Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee

(704): View more from North Carolina

Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(408): View more from California

she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room

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(201): View more from New Jersey

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(917): View more from New York City

well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'

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(818): View more from California

hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.

(416): View more from Ontario

Apparently you chose the latter.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

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(770): View more from Georgia

she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

You mean inside out.

(302): View more from Delaware

No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(616): View more from Michigan

David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?

(773): View more from Illinois

Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

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(305): View more from Florida

Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

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(212): View more from New York

You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?

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(917): View more from New York City

Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

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(917): View more from New York City

i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

(516): View more from New York

was the water running?

(917): View more from New York City

yeah but he said he knows how to swim

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