Texts From Last Night · misskae13's Favorites

Sorry sirsamsalot hasn't picked any favorites yet.

misskae13's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(478): View more from Georgia

Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.

Fav 11 4420 1934
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"

Fav 8 3500 1426
share tweet

(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

Fav 74 15619 1661
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had

Fav 28 1898 4359
share tweet
(760): View more from California

she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.

Fav 10 3646 1245
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

Fav 15 5179 1505
share tweet

(520): View more from Arizona

normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

Fav 11 4524 1542
share tweet

(360): View more from Washington

Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.

Fav 22 4596 1267
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale

Fav 8 2512 1318
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister

Fav 17 6971 1562
share tweet
(916): View more from California

come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.

Fav 8 4529 1143
share tweet

(469): View more from Texas

Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life

Fav 15 1041 5183
share tweet

(503): View more from Oregon

I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them

Fav 12 3039 1698
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

Fav 29 10936 1626
share tweet

(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

Fav 30 6473 1965
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.

Fav 13 1554 2689
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

Fav 14 7504 1456
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down

Fav 48 5531 1343
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.

Fav 71 1023 5064
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore

Fav 10 4802 1685
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe

Fav 10 1515 4416
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..

Fav 6 3076 1202
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

Fav 9 4803 1586
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you

Fav 71 4084 968
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.

Fav 42 2607 4945
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

Fav 5 3897 1210
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.

Fav 22 5872 1060
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

Fav 16 2858 3691
share tweet
(408): View more from California

sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds

Fav 38 5121 1395
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?

Fav 97 937 4452
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.

Fav 6 1214 3148
share tweet
(619): View more from California

i wish my penis had a tongue

Fav 30 4438 1081
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.

Fav 5 2447 1030
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

Fav 24 4861 2320
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest

Fav 12 4715 1025
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?

Fav 18 4981 1407
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy

Fav 41 4854 1594
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26630 1764
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.

Fav 28 6351 1292
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.

Fav 83 4996 1050
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction

Fav 35 1191 4642
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

Fav 18 5253 1491
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i would one night stand the shit outta him

Fav 11 5948 1203
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

Fav 15 4288 1800
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!

Fav 31 1358 5963
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

Fav 5 5360 1347
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

Fav 44 8983 1375
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got

Fav 20 1573 4395
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

Fav 17 2742 5170
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.

Fav 15 3840 1148
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.

Fav 64 7108 938
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl

Fav 7 3327 1236
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.

Fav 13 5279 1229
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now

Fav 58 1593 13527
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

Fav 25 7285 2076
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.

Fav 69 2498 11897
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.

Fav 16 3014 1823
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

Fav 6 3995 1178
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?

Fav 20 4818 1178
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table

Fav 10 4756 1421
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.

Fav 10 4939 1166
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.

Fav 32 5438 2720
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

Fav 85 11155 2921
share tweet
(831): View more from California

she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.

Fav 16 5031 1490
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!

Fav 14 1269 4371
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

Fav 14 5681 1198
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.

Fav 18 6597 1948
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory

Fav 20 1768 5199
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.

Fav 11 5107 2361
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.

Fav 7 1232 3656
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."

Fav 15 3008 1379
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart

Fav 21 5591 1288
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.

Fav 31 6437 1297
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.

Fav 7 933 4039
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.

Fav 44 6450 1077
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.

Fav 31 1207 6208
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

Fav 83 11867 2384
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.

Fav 13 3967 1273
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.

Fav 15 6107 1527
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.

Fav 8 3805 1264
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.

Fav 9 4108 1156
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

Fav 180 38255 5882
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

Fav 13 7340 1409
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.

Fav 20 4608 1452
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.

Fav 8 3791 1231
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

Fav 7 8373 2528
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts

Fav 13 4512 1337
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.

Fav 17 7080 1208
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs

Fav 9 3573 1984
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even

Fav 14 3544 1690
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

Fav 50 18542 1573
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.

Fav 12 4108 1360
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage

Fav 39 1483 13708
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.

Fav 11 3235 1990
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.

Fav 26 6476 1327
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

Fav 12 3716 1324
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

Fav 11 5037 1219
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

Fav 27 9116 1460
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

Fav 54 9139 2027
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

Fav 10 6804 1372
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

Fav 207 53715 3601
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

Fav 182 53569 2640
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104255 6834
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Fav 534 137236 6913
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

Fav 73 19509 4227
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

Fav 86 13890 2171
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

Fav 39 2333 13040
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.

(702): View more from Nevada

Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??

Fav 10 2601 1098
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

Fav 92 33673 2310
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

Fav 58 15474 2161
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

Fav 69 39793 2528
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.

Fav 25 5691 1801
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.

Fav 36 4681 1021
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

Fav 48 9075 1604
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

i take joy in having bigger boobs than others

Fav 93 6731 1019
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride

Fav 47 1389 7956
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

Fav 8 5419 2256
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

Fav 39 16948 1859
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75100 3013
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Awesome. Ask her out.

(815): View more from Illinois

Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.

Fav 14 855 1948
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

Fav 8 2417 992
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno

Fav 3 3837 981
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.

Fav 33 8103 1005
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.

(1-561): View more from Florida

you for real need to get over him dude

Fav 52 1261 3476
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?

Fav 26 4570 1016
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college

Fav 22 1759 6306
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!

Fav 26 3945 1428
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors

Fav 14 1424 5252
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying

Fav 2 842 1258
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

Fav 83 18222 2407
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

Fav 15 14680 1668
share tweet