Texts From Last Night · mrobinson's Favorites

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.

(503): View more from Oregon

He asked if he could come over tomorrow....

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(706): View more from Georgia

He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?

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(619): View more from California

But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha

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(614): View more from Ohio

And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"

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(517): View more from Michigan

I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.

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(850): View more from Florida

Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic

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(903): View more from Texas

I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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(416): View more from Toronto

He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...

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(432): View more from Texas

she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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(773): View more from Illinois

she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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(240): View more from Maryland

A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band

(312): View more from Illinois

Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Who in tha hell do u hang out with?

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(419): View more from Ohio

Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.

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(407): View more from Florida

I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.

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(404): View more from Georgia

So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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(209): View more from California

I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.

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(254): View more from Texas

his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker

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(702): View more from Nevada

I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.

(712): View more from Iowa

What's an angry pirate?

(702): View more from Nevada

You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.

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(954): View more from Florida

I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.

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(831): View more from California

Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

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(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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(712): View more from Iowa

it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe

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(214): View more from Texas

look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.

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(585): View more from New York

He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

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(517): View more from Michigan

you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

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(417): View more from Missouri

You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....

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(513): View more from Ohio

sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

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(892): View more from

YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!

(314): View more from Missouri

Only one tier

(314): View more from Missouri

Tastes like cardboard anyway

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(619): View more from California

i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door

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(314): View more from Missouri

I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.

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(703): View more from Virginia

After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"

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(207): View more from Maine

Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(406): View more from Montana

She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??

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(662): View more from Mississippi

What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You're an idiot.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

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(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

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(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

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(904): View more from Florida

The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye

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(206): View more from Washington

But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(+61): View more from Australia

The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you

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(212): View more from New York

that's an acceptable place to lick

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?

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(325): View more from Texas

how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

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(240): View more from Maryland

At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir

(952): View more from Minnesota

details?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

alcohol + bed + penis = sex

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall

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(609): View more from New Jersey

The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

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(406): View more from Montana

All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off

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(510): View more from California

This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?

(925): View more from California

Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.

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(480): View more from Arizona

In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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(812): View more from Indiana

How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?

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(614): View more from Ohio

at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.

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(510): View more from California

EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks

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(604): View more from British Columbia

So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.

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(845): View more from New York

You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.

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(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

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(951): View more from California

My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.

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(804): View more from Virginia

...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

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(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

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(602): View more from Arizona

I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for

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(301): View more from Maryland

sorry

(304): View more from West Virginia

why?

(301): View more from Maryland

oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.

(919): View more from North Carolina

It's a mixed blessing.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.

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(415): View more from California

I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota

(415): View more from California

everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy

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(573): View more from Missouri

So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(562): View more from California

So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.

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(647): View more from Ontario

so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration

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(631): View more from New York

Can you return condoms to CVS?

(516): View more from New York

Only if you return your pride as well.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.

(352): View more from Florida

Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.

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(858): View more from California

in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): View more from Illinois

Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): View more from Illinois

I love you bro

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(850): View more from Florida

Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.

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(205): View more from Alabama

It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.

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(415): View more from California

We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.

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(323): View more from California

I'm being pulled over???

(520): View more from Arizona

For what!?!?!

(323): View more from California

??? I'm in a cab!!!!!

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(647): View more from Ontario

47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(304): View more from West Virginia

tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out

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(248): View more from Michigan

Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?

(940): View more from Texas

homeless.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(602): View more from Arizona

Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.

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(509): View more from Washington

He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.

(425): View more from Washington

Is that even possible?

(509): View more from Washington

I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass

(240): View more from Maryland

He should have died. Natural selection.

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(760): View more from California

But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy

(530): View more from California

I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast

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(808): View more from Hawaii

And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.

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(315): View more from New York

So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.

(315): View more from New York

They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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(425): View more from Washington

Wanna skype?

(1-425): View more from Washington

Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.

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(503): View more from Oregon

And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like

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(348): View more from

Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.

(1-348): View more from

You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?

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(949): View more from California

Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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