Texts From Last Night · paigemarie's Favorites

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(516): View more from New York

Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(313): View more from Michigan

while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(614): View more from Ohio

see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy

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(310): View more from California

Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."

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(516): View more from New York

I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss

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(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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(513): View more from Ohio

u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

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(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth

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(410): View more from Maryland

hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock

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(816): View more from Missouri

you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?

(636): View more from Missouri

you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around

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(419): View more from Ohio

Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7

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(513): View more from Ohio

WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

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(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(231): View more from Michigan

we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers

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(949): View more from California

dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face

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(770): View more from Georgia

Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex

(404): View more from Georgia

Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut

(770): View more from Georgia

Fuck. Wron person. But yea

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(509): View more from Washington

you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin

(509): View more from Washington

and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"

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(510): View more from California

I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting

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(573): View more from Missouri

I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it

(651): View more from Minnesota

nevermind its newpaper

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(253): View more from Washington

she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't

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(917): View more from New York City

we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

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(512): View more from Texas

Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(770): View more from Georgia

His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.

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(714): View more from California

so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)

(1-714): View more from California

i'm so jealous of you right now.

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(914): View more from New York

he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3

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(909): View more from California

dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike

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(773): View more from Illinois

My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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(561): View more from Florida

I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.

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(917): View more from New York City

last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks

(917): View more from New York City

this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed

(917): View more from New York City

he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?

(718): View more from New York

messed up. what color are the wings?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles

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(630): View more from Illinois

i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

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(207): View more from Maine

i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg

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(805): View more from California

He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex

(949): View more from California

How do you have pretend sex?

(805): View more from California

It was bad...so it was pretend

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(415): View more from California

Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper

(785): View more from Kansas

He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(719): View more from Colorado

3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(718): View more from New York

you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."

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(561): View more from Florida

my being single is dangerous.

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself

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(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(845): View more from New York

I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(571): View more from Virginia

dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest

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(818): View more from California

Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?

(770): View more from Georgia

I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(847): View more from Illinois

oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign

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(314): View more from Missouri

I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(516): View more from New York

Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?

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(972): View more from Texas

Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.

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(714): View more from California

So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(317): View more from Indiana

I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.

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(310): View more from California

You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

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(613): View more from Ontario

Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

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(770): View more from Georgia

So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...

(404): View more from Georgia

Dont! You were just serving you country

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(518): View more from New York

She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Best friends brother. Beat that.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.

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(631): View more from New York

He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(646): View more from New York

it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there

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(416): View more from Toronto

He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(641): View more from Iowa

since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.

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(949): View more from California

Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way

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(520): View more from Arizona

Clearly I made an impression.

(404): View more from Georgia

Or at least your vagina did.

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(386): View more from Florida

Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him

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(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.

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(713): View more from Texas

If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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(847): View more from Illinois

She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.

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