Texts From Last Night · said

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said_first's Favorites Texts:

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(864): View more from South Carolina

That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left

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(850): View more from Florida

If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight

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(586): View more from Michigan

Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"

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(216): View more from Ohio

Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..

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(404): View more from Georgia

That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

NoShamevember. You game?

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover

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(870): View more from Arkansas

She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you

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(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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(779): View more from Illinois

I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls

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(417): View more from Missouri

Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times

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(214): View more from Texas

So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina

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(404): View more from Georgia

three words: i give head

(770): View more from Georgia

three words: not that well

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

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(802): View more from Vermont

You want anything?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Gatorade and you naked.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

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(407): View more from Florida

Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): View more from Illinois

Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): View more from Illinois

I love you bro

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(773): View more from Illinois

Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.

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(937): View more from Ohio

How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"

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(714): View more from California

Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.

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(614): View more from Ohio

They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.

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(424): View more from California

You just made me feel so damn special

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why don't you ever send me any naked pics

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.

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(631): View more from New York

ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Ew! He's just a child!

(361): View more from Texas

AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(513): View more from Ohio

chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.

(513): View more from Ohio

Who are you high with right now?

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(518): View more from New York

He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings

(856): View more from New Jersey

youre going to kill that woman one of these days

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

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(831): View more from California

i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy

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(917): View more from New York City

every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.

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(253): View more from Washington

they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.

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(714): View more from California

We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like

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(785): View more from Kansas

She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?

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(914): View more from New York

He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.

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(319): View more from Iowa

i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself

(612): View more from Minnesota

It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...

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(314): View more from Missouri

WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?

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(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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(541): View more from Oregon

She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option

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(734): View more from Michigan

Guess what happened to me today at work?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

I have chlamydia. What happened.

(734): View more from Michigan

Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated

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(410): View more from Maryland

SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't text me with that hand

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

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(248): View more from Michigan

She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.

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(208): View more from Idaho

My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?

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(514): View more from Quebec

We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(530): View more from California

On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch

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(516): View more from New York

nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex

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(214): View more from Texas

My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you

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(716): View more from New York

so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome

(914): View more from New York

i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(360): View more from Washington

I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too

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(518): View more from New York

I hraet yuo

(862): View more from New Jersey

did you say you heart me or hate me?

(518): View more from New York

who is this?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.

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(706): View more from Georgia

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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(817): View more from Texas

I really wanna talk..

(1-817): View more from Texas

if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down

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(502): View more from Kentucky

update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.

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(949): View more from California

She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.

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(519): View more from Ontario

you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..

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(770): View more from Georgia

FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot

(770): View more from Georgia

Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.

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(407): View more from Florida

Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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(646): View more from New York

Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.

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(206): View more from Washington

My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month

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(530): View more from California

There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.

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(503): View more from Oregon

two words: eviction party

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(630): View more from Illinois

I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.

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(260): View more from Indiana

U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

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(219): View more from Indiana

You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.

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(817): View more from Texas

She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis

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(440): View more from Ohio

I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends

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(317): View more from Indiana

on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?

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(972): View more from Texas

I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is

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(702): View more from Nevada

As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar

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(619): View more from California

Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.

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(847): View more from Illinois

hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.

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(949): View more from California

You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!

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(979): View more from Texas

I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

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