Texts From Last Night · saltedpeanuts's Favorites

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(519): View more from Ontario

I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(705): View more from Ontario

She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(419): View more from Ohio

laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(607): View more from New York

I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

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(801): View more from Utah

On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

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(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.

(513): View more from Ohio

I stole a bike. Here's a pic

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(925): View more from California

She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(530): View more from California

I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will

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(270): View more from Kentucky

We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

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(815): View more from Illinois

you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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(703): View more from Virginia

THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT

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(928): View more from Arizona

On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(301): View more from Maryland

My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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(443): View more from Maryland

the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.

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(802): View more from Vermont

does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

(1-802): View more from Vermont

actually, i try not to think about it

(802): View more from Vermont

and i pooped them out

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(949): View more from California

Getting food. Want anything?

(1-949): View more from California

Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce

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(720): View more from Colorado

He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

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(817): View more from Texas

I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(703): View more from Virginia

look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

video games are the ultimate cock blocker

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(310): View more from California

He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.

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(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

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(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(503): View more from Oregon

I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.

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(936): View more from Texas

Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.

(1-936): View more from Texas

Can I eat your pillow?

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(858): View more from California

we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(334): View more from Alabama

I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.

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(801): View more from Utah

I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

(1-801): View more from Utah

We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

(801): View more from Utah

I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

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(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

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(661): View more from California

Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

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(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

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(516): View more from New York

I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

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(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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(925): View more from California

after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.

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(239): View more from Florida

At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got to costco. Where are you?

(602): View more from Arizona

Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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(850): View more from Florida

the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

(1-850): View more from Florida

that makes sense.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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(916): View more from California

He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(614): View more from Ohio

this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(630): View more from Illinois

batman just walked across the sidewalk

(1-630): View more from Illinois

lay off the drugs

(630): View more from Illinois

no for real he was wearing a cape

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(410): View more from Maryland

...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...

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(360): View more from Washington

I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too

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(443): View more from Maryland

and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus

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(416): View more from Toronto

he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again

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(416): View more from Ontario

I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid

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(214): View more from Texas

You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.

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(914): View more from New York

you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds

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(305): View more from Florida

and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face

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(618): View more from Illinois

We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(817): View more from Texas

she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'

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(760): View more from California

You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..

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(330): View more from Ohio

Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.

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(925): View more from California

She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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(207): View more from Maine

I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.

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(936): View more from Texas

Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.

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(703): View more from Virginia

..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making

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