Texts From Last Night · straystar436's Favorites

Sorry ajb393 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

straystar436's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

Fav 25 10804 1902
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

Fav 9 4488 1308
share tweet

(510): View more from California

On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.

Fav 32 8951 1708
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

Fav 46 9164 1686
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life

Fav 19 6996 1214
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

Fav 66 26246 3373
share tweet

(701): View more from North Dakota

There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops

Fav 29 8384 1222
share tweet

(440): View more from Ohio

We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

Fav 9 1936 4649
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it

Fav 15 4588 1484
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

Fav 27 8183 1462
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.

Fav 6 6004 1087
share tweet

(613): View more from Ontario

It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.

Fav 9 1332 3637
share tweet

(727): View more from Florida

In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.

Fav 22 1288 4708
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

Fav 24 6355 1401
share tweet

(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

Fav 41 15399 1601
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

Fav 20 11118 1676
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.

Fav 10 2609 5869
share tweet
(949): View more from California

We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations

Fav 6 5897 1339
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

Fav 22 8654 1448
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

Fav 17 6902 1469
share tweet
(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

Fav 12 6922 1249
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously

Fav 28 3598 1661
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

Fav 43 8389 2373
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.

Fav 35 9194 1516
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.

Fav 30 5133 1452
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever

Fav 8 4395 1165
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

Fav 14 6456 1370
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?

Fav 8 3435 1601
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

Fav 14 2243 5298
share tweet
(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

Fav 12 4280 1348
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.

Fav 6 2822 967
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..

Fav 5 2844 1496
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself

Fav 4 886 3076
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

Fav 77 8190 4878
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.

Fav 7 6300 1572
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.

Fav 9 4976 1305
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28217 5133
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.

Fav 6 4123 1306
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"

Fav 10 5500 1152
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face

Fav 3 1397 3733
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

Fav 17 8943 1272
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

Fav 9 7837 1461
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

Fav 13 6244 1299
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class

Fav 23 4774 1705
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

we'll go far in life on tits alone.

Fav 22 5283 1285
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.

Fav 13 4788 1461
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

Fav 36 6633 1545
share tweet
(559): View more from California

You realize it's finals week?

(408): View more from California

Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

Fav 19 6704 1286
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze

Fav 4 4645 1383
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

Fav 15 4370 5278
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

Fav 16 8194 1395
share tweet
(760): View more from California

so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

Fav 12 2291 5370
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning

Fav 25 4864 1390
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

(1-210): View more from Texas

I love milkshakes.

(210): View more from Texas

Not the point.

Fav 19 5642 1795
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.

Fav 16 7499 1586
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

Fav 15 8244 1405
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

Fav 11 6367 1409
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

Fav 35 3758 7145
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

Fav 41 9434 1422
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

(1-585): View more from New York

You are so irish.

Fav 19 7405 1256
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

Fav 20 3814 6190
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.

Fav 9 1431 5381
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.

Fav 20 8297 1532
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

Fav 64 29358 1880
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

Fav 13 8775 1452
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."

Fav 15 6742 1434
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

Fav 13 9190 1674
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

Fav 36 16875 1737
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out

Fav 18 7357 1217
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.

Fav 19 4854 1626
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You know how to spell recollection?

Fav 16 5805 1713
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this

Fav 10 1397 3917
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"

Fav 49 2605 9765
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

Fav 7 6615 1469
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...

Fav 15 6202 1315
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

just looked at his mug shot... not really my type

Fav 5 1072 4419
share tweet
(626): View more from California

you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay

Fav 10 1196 5019
share tweet
(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

Fav 16 9588 1523
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

Fav 43 2390 14614
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

Fav 16 9316 1486
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

Fav 46 6427 9143
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Stop trying to talk to my friends!!

(1-845): View more from New York

then get some ugly ones...

Fav 18 6564 1994
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

Fav 25 13432 1599
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

Fav 14 8151 1267
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12

Fav 44 6977 2959
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

i don't want you to think of me as your TA

Fav 26 10465 1700
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

Fav 23 8698 2001
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today

Fav 17 1488 9737
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

Fav 14 9692 1433
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.

Fav 7 6483 1395
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

Fav 53 12722 1797
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL

Fav 56 1896 6424
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea

(1-207): View more from Maine

probs a good idea

(207): View more from Maine

i like the whole idea of life and being alive

(1-207): View more from Maine

you sure you're not high?

Fav 29 6144 1218
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.

Fav 8 6042 1515
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.

Fav 8 5317 1183
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

Fav 15 6583 1474
share tweet
(650): View more from California

they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.

Fav 6 7885 1314
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

Fav 34 11174 1670
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

Fav 26 6234 1625
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer

Fav 11 6698 1263
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.

Fav 9 1751 4814
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.

Fav 15 5984 1370
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.

Fav 18 1453 7019
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.

Fav 28 1603 13221
share tweet
(714): View more from California

i perioded on his leg

(714): View more from California

on. his. leg.

Fav 49 1389 11049
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

Fav 25 8819 1443
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own

Fav 27 9012 1525
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life

Fav 27 4847 1440
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!

Fav 34 7093 1645
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

Fav 19 10028 1245
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.

Fav 10 4222 1486
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.

Fav 30 8202 1545
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...

Fav 6 5180 1245
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle

Fav 11 1692 5137
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.

Fav 8 6432 1483
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.

Fav 6 4394 1584
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people

Fav 13 5219 1017
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.

Fav 31 1451 4123
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

my dad is going to jail this weekend

(1-602): View more from Arizona

where are we going to get our weed from?

Fav 22 2546 6840
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.

Fav 30 6134 2184
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75100 3013
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.

Fav 13 6159 1532
share tweet
(415): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.

Fav 13 10322 1420
share tweet
(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

Fav 51 15721 2862
share tweet
(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

Fav 25 3357 5900
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.

Fav 37 6988 1439
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

Fav 46 14035 1760
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

Fav 33 12974 1324
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

Fav 56 31651 2128
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

(720): View more from Colorado

Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

Fav 35 13261 1731
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

Fav 29 3297 7434
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.

(618): View more from Illinois

I'm rooting for #1.

Fav 37 5069 2063
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty

Fav 19 1537 7158
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.

Fav 23 5098 1112
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.

Fav 39 1819 6919
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

Fav 68 11233 2866
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.

Fav 17 3135 3957
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.

Fav 6 1388 3990
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere

Fav 17 7027 1382
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

Fav 33 10595 1443
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas

Fav 13 2082 4970
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"

Fav 54 1335 9423
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk

Fav 25 6376 1381
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....

Fav 26 5798 1479
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass

Fav 29 6248 1471
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am

Fav 13 4890 1325
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada

Fav 414 7573 2397
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won

Fav 208 2513 4526
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.

Fav 22 4328 1313
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.

Fav 87 8365 2051
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.

Fav 634 6010 7001
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

Fav 811 13389 6625
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

Fav 38 22563 3004
share tweet
(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

Fav 22 7291 1758
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.

Fav 24 5810 1483
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

Fav 47 3161 11796
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

Fav 19 10540 1295
share tweet
(310): View more from California

it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined

Fav 15 8887 1161
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Then she called me a home wrecking whore.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.

Fav 15 6386 1511
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer

Fav 7 1337 4252
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.

Fav 14 1613 4665
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.

Fav 39 5839 1267
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!

Fav 11 4817 1497
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.

Fav 14 1551 8081
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

Fav 32 11989 1711
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

Fav 37 2232 6276
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.

Fav 25 6926 1274
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My cha cha got a haircut

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf

Fav 34 1820 9686
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

Fav 29 15367 1482
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68669 3919
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88715 9690
share tweet