Texts From Last Night · the420jedi's Favorites

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the420jedi's Favorites Texts:

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(818): View more from California

Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you

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(585): View more from New York

The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club

(716): View more from New York

You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall

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(801): View more from Utah

NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him

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(770): View more from Georgia

Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.

(404): View more from Georgia

Good luck

(770): View more from Georgia

Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes

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(310): View more from California

If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.

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(619): View more from California

You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing

(1-619): View more from California

Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this

(619): View more from California

...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...

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(406): View more from Montana

Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.

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(563): View more from Iowa

You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus

(908): View more from New Jersey

Yeah but the people love.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."

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(516): View more from New York

People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.

(320): View more from Minnesota

No shame in my game.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.

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(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

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(518): View more from New York

Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"

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(607): View more from New York

I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.

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(317): View more from Indiana

When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

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(480): View more from Arizona

We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."

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(716): View more from New York

took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink

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(438): View more from Quebec

Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door

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(903): View more from Texas

You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.

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(647): View more from Ontario

You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen

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(325): View more from Texas

We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??

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(813): View more from Florida

Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!

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(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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(315): View more from New York

i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday

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(956): View more from Texas

WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

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(207): View more from Maine

Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.

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(585): View more from New York

javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!

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(516): View more from New York

You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry

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(678): View more from Georgia

Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...

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(802): View more from Vermont

when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

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(517): View more from Michigan

Here's my first problem: I'm drunk

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point

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(636): View more from Missouri

You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased

(314): View more from Missouri

Please be lying.

(636): View more from Missouri

Im not. Your family was creeped out

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(773): View more from Illinois

Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey

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(407): View more from Florida

I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...

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(914): View more from New York

Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.

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(450): View more from Quebec

She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...

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(714): View more from California

Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.

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(713): View more from Texas

Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.

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(415): View more from California

my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.

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(206): View more from Washington

The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.

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(419): View more from Ohio

The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever

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(623): View more from Arizona

Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

(1-623): View more from Arizona

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

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(630): View more from Illinois

I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk

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(212): View more from New York

Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.

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(303): View more from Colorado

So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher

(312): View more from Illinois

And maybe a life coach?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(480): View more from Arizona

You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show

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(815): View more from Illinois

he ran through my sliding door

(1-815): View more from Illinois

in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers

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(+61): View more from Australia

Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.

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(281): View more from Texas

I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..

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(772): View more from Florida

So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

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(619): View more from California

Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....

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(360): View more from Washington

You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.

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(830): View more from Texas

No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her

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(705): View more from Ontario

You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights

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(419): View more from Ohio

Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"

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(701): View more from North Dakota

does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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(941): View more from Florida

I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up

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(970): View more from Colorado

im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.

(303): View more from Colorado

i dont think thats healthy man...

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(630): View more from Illinois

there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'

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(970): View more from Colorado

Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.

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(909): View more from California

and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....

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(408): View more from California

I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty

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(812): View more from Indiana

I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.

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(207): View more from Maine

Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(801): View more from Utah

I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.

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(760): View more from California

I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?

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(310): View more from California

Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!

(410): View more from Maryland

dude. im stealing that.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Apparently you can coat check a keg.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

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(909): View more from California

The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine

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(419): View more from Ohio

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(315): View more from New York

some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.

(919): View more from North Carolina

RIP Mr Bojangles.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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(+61): View more from Australia

You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(847): View more from Illinois

hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??

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(585): View more from New York

He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(248): View more from Michigan

We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.

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(240): View more from Maryland

All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink

(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver

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(614): View more from Ohio

John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever

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(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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(212): View more from New York

btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up

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(862): View more from New Jersey

i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.

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(813): View more from Florida

i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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(816): View more from Missouri

apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom

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(225): View more from Louisiana

we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table

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(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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(718): View more from New York

He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.

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(541): View more from Oregon

ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack

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(563): View more from Iowa

Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.

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(845): View more from New York

3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"

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(313): View more from Michigan

I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

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(509): View more from Washington

Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

(513): View more from Ohio

Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!

(207): View more from Maine

I just puked in my drinking hat.

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(353): View more from

Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.

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(214): View more from Texas

You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song

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(970): View more from Colorado

just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?

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(916): View more from California

whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door

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(980): View more from North Carolina

It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

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(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

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(619): View more from California

Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck

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(423): View more from Tennessee

By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine

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(217): View more from Illinois

Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(618): View more from Illinois

This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs

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(631): View more from New York

these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.

(631): View more from New York

i got hit in the ear.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

How did you break your hand eating pizza?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Boxes are hard to see rocks through.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside

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(775): View more from Nevada

Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats

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(541): View more from Oregon

You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol

(256): View more from Alabama

Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk

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(770): View more from Georgia

To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.

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(443): View more from Maryland

apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.

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(858): View more from California

in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning

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(443): View more from Maryland

Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.

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(210): View more from Texas

I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up

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(408): View more from California

carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.

(415): View more from California

be there in 3 mins

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.

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(727): View more from Florida

found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

The strip club called, they have your shoe.

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(518): View more from New York

I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(713): View more from Texas

I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.

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(517): View more from Michigan

She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.

(248): View more from Michigan

There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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(607): View more from New York

im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.

(607): View more from New York

way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(207): View more from Maine

you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand

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(317): View more from Indiana

can you pick me up an extra syllabus

(317): View more from Indiana

i passed out in the shower again

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(757): View more from Virginia

Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.

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(281): View more from Texas

Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.

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(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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(618): View more from Illinois

She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up

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(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa

(708): View more from Illinois

Oh Jesus.

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(562): View more from California

He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome

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(541): View more from Oregon

Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30

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(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.

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(613): View more from Ontario

what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?

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(517): View more from Michigan

And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

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(707): View more from California

And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face

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(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.

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(925): View more from California

Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard

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(732): View more from New Jersey

test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE

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(658): View more from

Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk

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(501): View more from Arkansas

These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.

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(813): View more from Florida

Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face

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(210): View more from Texas

drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend

(1-210): View more from Texas

I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.

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(954): View more from Florida

so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop

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(925): View more from California

She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

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(208): View more from Idaho

Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.

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(530): View more from California

You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

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(805): View more from California

100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"

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(210): View more from Texas

Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...

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(503): View more from Oregon

He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

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(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times

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(714): View more from California

found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?

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(302): View more from Delaware

Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(760): View more from California

She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...

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(804): View more from Virginia

Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(904): View more from Florida

Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?

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(707): View more from California

its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I intend to get homeless drunk

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(856): View more from New Jersey

you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness

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(972): View more from Texas

like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys

(214): View more from Texas

I hope to god you are high

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(707): View more from California

I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on

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(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

New charity walk idea!

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,

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(954): View more from Florida

So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.

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(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

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(915): View more from Texas

Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart

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(917): View more from New York City

Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here

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(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.

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(915): View more from Texas

and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.

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(925): View more from California

you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

well now I have to

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(541): View more from Oregon

get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.

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(801): View more from Utah

Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

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(812): View more from Indiana

I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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